fredericks (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
fredericks) wrote2003-04-04 12:44 am
fredericks) wrote2003-04-04 12:44 am
Goddamn it
Fuck.
Why does my life suck? Why do I cling to relations that pain me? What is it about myself that I can't find the strength to move on? I try to close chapters of my life...I think one time I said "I don't burn the bridges I've crossed, I napalm them". If only that were true. Then I wouldn't have this gaping hole where my emotions should be, or this increasing pain in my heart (not my left arm so at least I know its not a heart attack). I suppose I can't handle the fact that I'm not the center of people's world. Is that foolish thought? Hells yeah. But, you must understand, I'm working with the social capacity/mentality of a 10 year old (again, the gift/curse of being a psych student - the ability to analyze your dysfunction, the inability to do anything about it). Argh. There are times during the day when I just want to be held and then there are those times when I just want to pick up a weapon and hurt those who have hurt me: old flames, old friends, current acquaintances. Mow them all down. Let them see how it feels.
Fuck you, D---. It was a gift out of love, dammit.
Fuck you, A---. I offered myself to you because I cared and you used me when you needed to and then just dropped me when I no longer fit into your world.
Fuck you, D----, you two-faced bitch.
Fuck you, J---. You don't know me yet you dare play psychologist on me?
Goddamn it, fuck everyone. All I've ever tried to be is myself and yet I keep getting pounded down by you all. Why even bother? Why fucking try? What the hell is left to me in a world where Daniella is invisible, even when she's screaming?
Why the hell does this read like the angsty letter of a twelve-year old? *sigh*
In conclusion - FUCK YOU ALL.
Why does my life suck? Why do I cling to relations that pain me? What is it about myself that I can't find the strength to move on? I try to close chapters of my life...I think one time I said "I don't burn the bridges I've crossed, I napalm them". If only that were true. Then I wouldn't have this gaping hole where my emotions should be, or this increasing pain in my heart (not my left arm so at least I know its not a heart attack). I suppose I can't handle the fact that I'm not the center of people's world. Is that foolish thought? Hells yeah. But, you must understand, I'm working with the social capacity/mentality of a 10 year old (again, the gift/curse of being a psych student - the ability to analyze your dysfunction, the inability to do anything about it). Argh. There are times during the day when I just want to be held and then there are those times when I just want to pick up a weapon and hurt those who have hurt me: old flames, old friends, current acquaintances. Mow them all down. Let them see how it feels.
Fuck you, D---. It was a gift out of love, dammit.
Fuck you, A---. I offered myself to you because I cared and you used me when you needed to and then just dropped me when I no longer fit into your world.
Fuck you, D----, you two-faced bitch.
Fuck you, J---. You don't know me yet you dare play psychologist on me?
Goddamn it, fuck everyone. All I've ever tried to be is myself and yet I keep getting pounded down by you all. Why even bother? Why fucking try? What the hell is left to me in a world where Daniella is invisible, even when she's screaming?
Why the hell does this read like the angsty letter of a twelve-year old? *sigh*
In conclusion - FUCK YOU ALL.