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My day with Krishna
Aug. 15th, 2005 08:44 pmMy dog is sick. She doesn't act it, but her head's lopsided, with the right upper portion swollen to an unusual size, the right side of her jaw practically immobile, and the left upper head portion slightly sunken in. I didn't notice the head problem until Saturday. She'd been having problems eating for at least the last five days, maybe before. I wouldn't know - my brothers are the ones responsible for feeding her and when I asked one of them why Krishna (said dog) hadn't been fed a couple of days ago his answer was "she doesn't eat, so why bother feeding her?" How long they've been neglecting to even bother to put food out I don't know. Not that you'd notice immediately; Krishna's on the chunky side (I like to call her "pleasantly plump").
I told my folks about the Krishna's misshapen head on Sunday, because apparently no one else had noticed it. I figured, since they more or less act blase towards her medical care we wouldn't end up taking her to the vet until Tuesday, giving me enough time to call out from work and swing by the vet so I could get some tranqs for her (Krishna's traditionally been less than pleasant when dealing with the guys in the white coats). I called the vet first and actually made the appointment for Tuesday, but once I told the receptionist that Krishna wasn't eating (an exaggeration on my part - she wasn't eating the hard food we usually gave her but could manage things like french fries, chicken, and rice) the woman was quick to make time for me on Monday. I figured once I told my mother about the Monday appointment she'd start bitching me out, so I was surprised to have her ask me why I hadn't tried to make an appointment for the same day (Sunday). I think I would have if I'd have thought anyone would have taken me. The things you learn after the fact, huh? Of course, her next words were "the dog could die", something I hadn't bothered to think about so, yeah, I was feeling pretty scared shitless afterwards.
Fastforward to today. I had to e-mail my boss and tell her I couldn't make it to my notetaking gigs because I had to take my dog to the vet (my exact wording was "my dog is ill"; I opted out of throwing any adjectives in there, in case she thought I was lying or at least trying to be overly dramatic), an excuse that really only has an effect on a pet owner. I felt bad about not being there for my student, but there was no way I wasn't going to go to the damned vet with Krishna. My mother had a prior engagement that she couldn't seem to back out of, so my brother ended up taking us out there. We ran into problems just getting Krishna into the van for the first time. She has leg problems (I find it somewhat cute that we both have screws and plates in a leg: hers in her left hind and mine in my right) and they seem to be getting worse, which is another thing I have to worry about. I mean, usually she can manage jumping into the van, but today the jump was too much. After 20 minutes of coaxing (with bacon, no less) we ended up removing a seat and using it as a step.
We got to the vet, and she was surprisingly well-behaved for the doctor. The doc ended up guessing that it might be a tooth infection with an abcess that spread up (under) the mandibular musculature (that was actually one of my early guesses) or ...cancer. It's funny: while my brother and I were outside the vet waiting to be called for our appointment two women came outside with their dog and started talking about its diagnosis, inadvertently sharing with us that their cute miniature pooch had some sort of cancer. My brother and I looked at Krishna then looked at each other; he wore an expression that was indescribable, and I'm pretty sure my own was similar. Doing our usual thing we started cracking jokes, and fell back on impersonating Arnold Schwarzenegger from Kindergarten Cop "It is not a tu-mah!" but it wouldn't leave my mind. It'd been thinking tumor since Sunday, actually, but I tried my best to forget it and not freak out.
And I didn't "freak out" exactly, but I did end up crying when we returned for Krishna in the evening and the doctor told me that he still wasn't sure what was wrong with her but that cancer of either the bone or the brain was still a possibility. It wasn't like he said "yes, it is definitely cancer" but just the thought of it being "the big C" had me not feeling too hot. I wasn't even thinking about Krishna dying. Or, rather, that wasn't the sole thing I was thinking about. It was the combination of trying to deal with whatever she might have (a localized degenerative muscle disorder is still a possible diagnosis) and being utterly helpless to make everything better for the one creature in the world who appears to love me unconditionally.
Money and lack thereof plays a big part in my tumultuous emotions at the moment. A reason why I was initially hesitant to tell my folks about what was wrong with Krishna was because they're always (understandably) bitching about lack of funds. I couldn't bear the thought of my mom ranting about "how much money the dog is costing us", but I didn't know she'd show all that care and concern. I still get a warm feeling thinking about her reaction. Anyways, since I seem to still be a go on my scholarship money and the fucking Hunter woman says she's mailed out my internship pay (we're in the process of playing the "but I mailed it out!"/"I have yet to receive it" game, always fun) there's a chance I'll come into $2K by October. That might just cover the bulk of Krishna's immediate medical bills. I ended up activating a credit card I've had for 6 years and had been saving for a rainy day in order to pay today's charges which, for a biopsy, anesthesia, medication, and various fees, came up to $610. Lord knows how much whatever else needs to be done is going to cost. I'm praying I don't get screwed over with any of my eggs because the chicken is, in this case, my dog. I can't say I'm happy with not being able to get the new PC this semester (I really wanted to be able to relax with Sims 2 over winter break) but hopefully I'll get enough back for winter term to get it then.
So I'm tired. And worn out. And ANGRY. I've been angry for a good bulk of today. Angry at the Hunter woman for not getting me my check when she said she would, angry the post office for fucking up my mail again and maybe sending the check (if it was mailed out) somewhere else, angry at Pace for being major dicks when it comes to the workings of their financial aid (how the hell am I supposed to get my books and uniforms??), angry at various persons and acquaintances for pretty petty and ridiculous reasons, angry at my aunt for making a flip comment about my dog, and, mainly, angry at myself. I keep thinking I missed something, that things had to progress to this point. I don't have enough money and I'm going to be scrabbling to keep above water during this first semester. I might lose this creature that reminds me of myself, all bristly and anti-social and limpy. And I'm worrying about an "if", just because she's bald on the side of her head that's grossly misshapen and she has stitches. It's an "if", nothing's definite. I just feel like if I lose her I'll be really alone right now. And the suckage of that cannot be fully put into words.
*
Please, no "hugs". I really dislike those.
I told my folks about the Krishna's misshapen head on Sunday, because apparently no one else had noticed it. I figured, since they more or less act blase towards her medical care we wouldn't end up taking her to the vet until Tuesday, giving me enough time to call out from work and swing by the vet so I could get some tranqs for her (Krishna's traditionally been less than pleasant when dealing with the guys in the white coats). I called the vet first and actually made the appointment for Tuesday, but once I told the receptionist that Krishna wasn't eating (an exaggeration on my part - she wasn't eating the hard food we usually gave her but could manage things like french fries, chicken, and rice) the woman was quick to make time for me on Monday. I figured once I told my mother about the Monday appointment she'd start bitching me out, so I was surprised to have her ask me why I hadn't tried to make an appointment for the same day (Sunday). I think I would have if I'd have thought anyone would have taken me. The things you learn after the fact, huh? Of course, her next words were "the dog could die", something I hadn't bothered to think about so, yeah, I was feeling pretty scared shitless afterwards.
Fastforward to today. I had to e-mail my boss and tell her I couldn't make it to my notetaking gigs because I had to take my dog to the vet (my exact wording was "my dog is ill"; I opted out of throwing any adjectives in there, in case she thought I was lying or at least trying to be overly dramatic), an excuse that really only has an effect on a pet owner. I felt bad about not being there for my student, but there was no way I wasn't going to go to the damned vet with Krishna. My mother had a prior engagement that she couldn't seem to back out of, so my brother ended up taking us out there. We ran into problems just getting Krishna into the van for the first time. She has leg problems (I find it somewhat cute that we both have screws and plates in a leg: hers in her left hind and mine in my right) and they seem to be getting worse, which is another thing I have to worry about. I mean, usually she can manage jumping into the van, but today the jump was too much. After 20 minutes of coaxing (with bacon, no less) we ended up removing a seat and using it as a step.
We got to the vet, and she was surprisingly well-behaved for the doctor. The doc ended up guessing that it might be a tooth infection with an abcess that spread up (under) the mandibular musculature (that was actually one of my early guesses) or ...cancer. It's funny: while my brother and I were outside the vet waiting to be called for our appointment two women came outside with their dog and started talking about its diagnosis, inadvertently sharing with us that their cute miniature pooch had some sort of cancer. My brother and I looked at Krishna then looked at each other; he wore an expression that was indescribable, and I'm pretty sure my own was similar. Doing our usual thing we started cracking jokes, and fell back on impersonating Arnold Schwarzenegger from Kindergarten Cop "It is not a tu-mah!" but it wouldn't leave my mind. It'd been thinking tumor since Sunday, actually, but I tried my best to forget it and not freak out.
And I didn't "freak out" exactly, but I did end up crying when we returned for Krishna in the evening and the doctor told me that he still wasn't sure what was wrong with her but that cancer of either the bone or the brain was still a possibility. It wasn't like he said "yes, it is definitely cancer" but just the thought of it being "the big C" had me not feeling too hot. I wasn't even thinking about Krishna dying. Or, rather, that wasn't the sole thing I was thinking about. It was the combination of trying to deal with whatever she might have (a localized degenerative muscle disorder is still a possible diagnosis) and being utterly helpless to make everything better for the one creature in the world who appears to love me unconditionally.
Money and lack thereof plays a big part in my tumultuous emotions at the moment. A reason why I was initially hesitant to tell my folks about what was wrong with Krishna was because they're always (understandably) bitching about lack of funds. I couldn't bear the thought of my mom ranting about "how much money the dog is costing us", but I didn't know she'd show all that care and concern. I still get a warm feeling thinking about her reaction. Anyways, since I seem to still be a go on my scholarship money and the fucking Hunter woman says she's mailed out my internship pay (we're in the process of playing the "but I mailed it out!"/"I have yet to receive it" game, always fun) there's a chance I'll come into $2K by October. That might just cover the bulk of Krishna's immediate medical bills. I ended up activating a credit card I've had for 6 years and had been saving for a rainy day in order to pay today's charges which, for a biopsy, anesthesia, medication, and various fees, came up to $610. Lord knows how much whatever else needs to be done is going to cost. I'm praying I don't get screwed over with any of my eggs because the chicken is, in this case, my dog. I can't say I'm happy with not being able to get the new PC this semester (I really wanted to be able to relax with Sims 2 over winter break) but hopefully I'll get enough back for winter term to get it then.
So I'm tired. And worn out. And ANGRY. I've been angry for a good bulk of today. Angry at the Hunter woman for not getting me my check when she said she would, angry the post office for fucking up my mail again and maybe sending the check (if it was mailed out) somewhere else, angry at Pace for being major dicks when it comes to the workings of their financial aid (how the hell am I supposed to get my books and uniforms??), angry at various persons and acquaintances for pretty petty and ridiculous reasons, angry at my aunt for making a flip comment about my dog, and, mainly, angry at myself. I keep thinking I missed something, that things had to progress to this point. I don't have enough money and I'm going to be scrabbling to keep above water during this first semester. I might lose this creature that reminds me of myself, all bristly and anti-social and limpy. And I'm worrying about an "if", just because she's bald on the side of her head that's grossly misshapen and she has stitches. It's an "if", nothing's definite. I just feel like if I lose her I'll be really alone right now. And the suckage of that cannot be fully put into words.
*
Please, no "hugs". I really dislike those.
