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From hot to cold in under 20 seconds
May. 13th, 2004 09:51 pmRight now? Not feeling too hot. I've been trying to find a word to sum up me, my feelings. I keep coming back to "mercurial" :"characterized by rapid and unpredictable changeableness of mood". Sort of fits. I think part of my problem is that I have no cloud cover. Emotionally, that is. Nothing over me to hold the good feelings in when (or if) I get them. I wander around blank, I smile but rapidly lose any good cheer, and any dourness comes my way I'm feeling it all day.
And I'm fucking convinced my feelings are invalid. People around me are ushering in new lives, worried about current ones, and I keep telling myself "What the FUCK is your problem? Why are you crying?". That, of course, doesn't improve things in the slightest. So I have my own depressed feelings to deal with, along with the guilt that I'm feeling depressed. And the hell if I know how to deal with it all. Let me feel the way I fucking want to feel, dammit.
I was running around on neutral all day (per usual), when dad just pushed me over the edge. I'd gotten mother a photo set (camera + photo printer) for Mother's Day. I mean, I'm going to be paying for it for a damned long time, but I knew she needed a camera and I knew she wasn't going to use my other gift option, a PalmPilot. And the pay-off? She was thrilled to get it. Okay, not exactly "thrilled". She doesn't do that. But she seemed content with it. So I'm showing her how to use it when I come home today, and dad's there making ridiculous comments about mom, like "Oh, whyy do you have to show her how to operate it? Why can't she just read the book?", snorting and hawing, and pissing me off because it's like he's implying that my mother's an idiot. I'm upset because she seems to be getting upset.
Fuck the story. It seems to damned petty now, that my dad shitting on the present that seemed to give mom so much happiness, the present that I picked out, just reduced me to tears. I don't know.
And I'm fucking convinced my feelings are invalid. People around me are ushering in new lives, worried about current ones, and I keep telling myself "What the FUCK is your problem? Why are you crying?". That, of course, doesn't improve things in the slightest. So I have my own depressed feelings to deal with, along with the guilt that I'm feeling depressed. And the hell if I know how to deal with it all. Let me feel the way I fucking want to feel, dammit.
I was running around on neutral all day (per usual), when dad just pushed me over the edge. I'd gotten mother a photo set (camera + photo printer) for Mother's Day. I mean, I'm going to be paying for it for a damned long time, but I knew she needed a camera and I knew she wasn't going to use my other gift option, a PalmPilot. And the pay-off? She was thrilled to get it. Okay, not exactly "thrilled". She doesn't do that. But she seemed content with it. So I'm showing her how to use it when I come home today, and dad's there making ridiculous comments about mom, like "Oh, whyy do you have to show her how to operate it? Why can't she just read the book?", snorting and hawing, and pissing me off because it's like he's implying that my mother's an idiot. I'm upset because she seems to be getting upset.
Fuck the story. It seems to damned petty now, that my dad shitting on the present that seemed to give mom so much happiness, the present that I picked out, just reduced me to tears. I don't know.
