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fredericksI'm writing this from the Sci-Li Mezzanine, on a cluster computer. Things have moved rather rapidly during the last few days. Moved towards what? I'm not really sure. But that's how life is. It never stops, no matter how desperately one wishes there was a "Pause" button somewhere along the line.
So I graduated on Monday. Or, rather, I marched and pretended I graduated. It's funny - I had more than enough credits to graduate (you need either 30 or 31 credits, I forget; and I had 32 when all my grades for this semester came in - and to stop all inquiries, Brown has a different credit system than most other schools: one course, unless otherwise listed, equals one credit) but I hadn't completed that all-important Experiments Course to fulfill the Bachelor of Science degree. I could have re-written my concentration paperwork in order to qualify for the wimpy-er Bachelor of Arts degree; I had more than enough Psych courses completed. But I said no, I put in all the work on those extra science courses (most of which I completed during the two semesters I was gung-ho on going to medical school...that's a laugh riot) so I might as well let it show on that expensive piece of paper. My folks were cool with it and my advisor said it was a go so I took part in the two days of celebration and pomp knowing that on the last day I'd get nothing (no diploma).
The first day was the Baccalaureate Service, a ritual steepped in tradition...and which I still know next to nothing about. The class of 2003 - I entered with the class of 2002. I don't know the faces of my graduating class, and I know almost none of my classmates. Thank you, accident and time off. No, but I'm not bitter about it. I just spent some time while we were all gathering on the Main Green and getting ready to march down to the Baptist Church wishing that I had taken part in the ceremony with my friends last year. But whatever.
Oh, I'm forgetting something: my folks came down on Saturday - Mom, Auntie Antionette, Uncle Winston, and Dwayne. I was hoping Darwent had come down, so he and I could chill at the mall on Saturday night. I was hoping we could have gone to see The Matrix again and then spent time in Dave & Busters (I've never been there before but it looks like fun, and he finally turned 18 so it shouldn't have been a problem) but he had a big day with his prom on Thursday and the post-revelry trip to Great Adventure so I guess he was too exhausted to make it up Saturday evening. So I met up with Mom and the gang and then we headed to Siam Square for some most excellent Thai grub. We talked but not about my mental state, which I was eternally grateful for.
Yes, so the Baccalaureate Service. The procession began with a blessing from the Chinese Dancing Lions from Brown's squad. It was great, and really set the tone for things to come. They did their thing and then stood to the side dancing to the music of the drums, so the graduates had to walk past them on their way to the church. Ha. We walked down Waterman (me wearing my clunky black shoes instead of stylish heels just in case I unceremonious slipped down the steep-ass hill and busted my rump)and to the front of the First Baptist Church, where we were greeted by the Nigerian Drummers (I forget the troupe's name...and even if I remembered I know I couldn't spell it properly). Good times.
We walked in and sat down, a procedure that took a good 25 minutes (the church is huge, but not all of us could get seats...a few unlucky scragglers ended up standing, poor souls). I expected the ceremony to be boring and tedious, which is why I smuggled in Speaker of the Dead under the waistband of my skirt (I really should look into Special Ops, no one knew I had the book on me...). However I was surprised; it was totally engaging. Prayers in all the major faiths represented at school (Islamic, Christian, Baha'i, Jewish, Buddist, and some other ones that escape me) were shared. Dancers, singers, it was organized really really well. It was impossible to be bored. The speaker was Xu Wenli (I know I have his name wrong), who recently fled China after years of imprisonment. His speech was excellent, and I know I wanted to post some points he made but I totally forgot to keep a copy of it on me. I'll search for it later.
So that was done. My folks (mainly my Aunt Antionette) really wanted to go to Foxwoods afterwards (my grandmother apparently had made plans to swing by there on Sunday and they had wanted to meet up and go for dinner) and although I was exhausted I decided to go along as well (there's only so much nagging I can put up with - besides, I had no money so I had no idea how I was to gamble). Foxwoods, a prime example of Native Americans trying to gain something back from the white man after being fucked in the ass by them. Not that I blame them at all for it. Go for yours, sez I. But I digress. We were toting along my 12 year old brother, who couldn't go on the casino floor (obvious) so we at first sight-see'd (after trying futilely to contact my grandmother to meet up for dinner...seems she had her cell-phone off). We then decided to try to get something to eat and ended up on the longest line imaginable, waiting to be seated at a buffet (the American Way, eh?). My aunt and I weren't too keen on waiting on the line but my uncle's stomach was ruling his brain apparently, so we decided to scope out some other restaurants to see if there were any other shorter waits. Long story short (why do I develop diarrhea of the fingers when I'm in front of a computer?) my aunt *really* just wanted to gamble for a bit, she found a free slot-machine, played three times and on the third pull won $500. We looked at each other, said "Time to go" with grins on our faces, she cashed out, and we headed back. We had dinner and then the older people headed to the gambling areas while I took Dwayne around for some fun. We headed back and they dropped me off to my room, where I then proceeded to stay up all night packing (thanks to a tab of Vivarin).
Monday rolls along...and it's raining cats and dogs outside. I'm not going to go into the whole ceremony because, frankly, I'm just procrastinating as it is and my wrists are getting tired (and I'm sure the one person reading this is getting really really bored). Dad, Darwent, Darryl, and Jovona came up that morning and I ended up waiting for them before heading to green to line up...causing me to be the *last* person on line. I was next to a girl named Annabella (I made a quip about our names being so cute together we should start a duo - "the comedic stylings of Daniella and Annabella"...rolls off the tongue, right?) and we basically hit it off, making the whole "march in the rain for two hours barely tolerable (you think I'm joking, I'm not - two hours of marching and standing and inverting of socks(inside joke)... you had to have been there). By the end of the Main Green ceremony I had a distinct warm feeling in my lungs and a phlemy cough going on. Oh yeah, it was not all good in my 'hood.
I met up with my Aunts Zola and Angela and my cousins as well as Mom and the rest of them then we headed to the departmental ceremony where one is supposed to receive one's diploma. There was another girl in my same boat and we both had to have our names written into the procedure in order to be announced as Sc.B. candidates. We were the only black females in the Sc.B. squad, out of 12 candidates. I couldn't help but feel we were letting our gender and race down by not receiving our diplomas, but that was most likely the rain affecting my brain at that point (there were two black guys there getting Sc.B as well, so it wasn't all bad I suppose). When they called my name I walked on stage and I just shook the hand of the woman giving out diplomas, I didn't receive one. Not even a blank one to save face. It was very very embarassing. Very embarassing. Did I say how embarassing it was? Yes. Okay. I just felt like I let my folks down, and when I saw some of their faces afterwards that really hit home. It seemed like some of them really didn't want to be there. It put a damper on the little bit of cheer I'd been able to muster after getting soaked for 3 hours.
Anyway, so some of the part dispersed in ways that pissed me off (long story) and Mom, Dad, Darwent, Darryl, Dwayne, and Jovona remained. They helped me move into the apartment (it's still raining, mind you, and I'm still feeling that warmth in my chest) and I saw Uwa as I was struggling to get it (the lock is evil and hard to work). Thank goodness he showed up when he did. He remembered me and was terribly sweet. Dude's working for J.P. Morgan. Some people are just blessed. Afterwards the folks and I grabbed lunch at Cafe Java Grille. Then I thanked them for coming and they headed off. I kept only my PC, a bag of clothes, and my sheets in my dorm room (the rest was in the apartment) and on realizing I'd packed my alarm clock (seeing as I had to move out of the dorm by noon) I ended up downloading the coolest alarm clock for my PC (to get woken up by Love's on Fire is such a treat...heh).
I packed up the little stuff I had left when I awoke, and shipped out by 11:30. I was hoping I'd have the apartment for my lonesome for at least a little while but although Jordan moved out yesterday he let one of next term's subletters, a girl named Ozzie, stay in his room for a few days. She's peculiar, but very nice.
I got it into my head to go for Thai food after I was all done moving in yesterday, and since Siam Square is by far the best restaurant ever and I don't have a car or know a bus that goes there I decided to walk to it. The place was 2.5 miles away (precisely - I got the directions from Yahoo Maps) and by the time I got there my back was aching (the problem with having big breasts; the troubles I put up with...*le sigh*). I think it took me around 45 minutes? I forgot to time it. Then I had to walk back. Luckily it didn't rain, although it was threatening to all afternoon. The food was totally worth the 5 mile trek. Totally. Afterwards I attempted a bit of unpacking but kept getting distracted by I don't know what.
Mom called last night and after a clumsy saluation dove headlong into the questioning: "So why were you stressed out this semester?" I didn't really know how to answer that one. We exchanged awkward dialogue for a while, and I had to re-explain that I was going to graduate and I had enough credits to graduate but I wanted to go for the Sc.B. diploma instead of the A.B. one. More awkward dialogue and then she asked when I thought I was having a nervous breakdown. I giggled somewhat nervously (weirded out by the line of questioning)and said something along the lines of "I'm not having nor did I have a nervous breakdown. I wasn't playing bongo drums naked and I wasn't running up and down Thayer Street in a skirt screaming" to which she replied in a tone I'd never heard from her before "Well, if you were we wouldn't know about it because you're there and we're here". When she said that it dawned upon me that she's not upset with me, she's just scared and concerned for me. It really took me back for a bit, and even now I don't know how to deal with that bit of insight. She wants me to come home as soon as possible...but I don't. I want to stay here. How do I tell her part of the reason I was freaking out earlier was because I thought I'd have to go home? God, this is so complicated. Life is such a trip.
So, that brings me to today. Again, I'm sitting in a computer cluster on the Sci-Li Mezzanine. I'm supposed to be working on PY199 but I'm apparently procrastinating a bit. I think I'm still trying to decompress from everything that's happened over the last few days. It's beautifully overcast outside, in the sort of way that makes you want to drop everything, sit by a window and just stare out at the wonder that is nature. But I need to get this work done. I have a meeting with Professor Wincze tomorrow. I'm nervous about it, yes, but I'm hoping he's kind to me. And sincere. Maybe all will be well.
So I graduated on Monday. Or, rather, I marched and pretended I graduated. It's funny - I had more than enough credits to graduate (you need either 30 or 31 credits, I forget; and I had 32 when all my grades for this semester came in - and to stop all inquiries, Brown has a different credit system than most other schools: one course, unless otherwise listed, equals one credit) but I hadn't completed that all-important Experiments Course to fulfill the Bachelor of Science degree. I could have re-written my concentration paperwork in order to qualify for the wimpy-er Bachelor of Arts degree; I had more than enough Psych courses completed. But I said no, I put in all the work on those extra science courses (most of which I completed during the two semesters I was gung-ho on going to medical school...that's a laugh riot) so I might as well let it show on that expensive piece of paper. My folks were cool with it and my advisor said it was a go so I took part in the two days of celebration and pomp knowing that on the last day I'd get nothing (no diploma).
The first day was the Baccalaureate Service, a ritual steepped in tradition...and which I still know next to nothing about. The class of 2003 - I entered with the class of 2002. I don't know the faces of my graduating class, and I know almost none of my classmates. Thank you, accident and time off. No, but I'm not bitter about it. I just spent some time while we were all gathering on the Main Green and getting ready to march down to the Baptist Church wishing that I had taken part in the ceremony with my friends last year. But whatever.
Oh, I'm forgetting something: my folks came down on Saturday - Mom, Auntie Antionette, Uncle Winston, and Dwayne. I was hoping Darwent had come down, so he and I could chill at the mall on Saturday night. I was hoping we could have gone to see The Matrix again and then spent time in Dave & Busters (I've never been there before but it looks like fun, and he finally turned 18 so it shouldn't have been a problem) but he had a big day with his prom on Thursday and the post-revelry trip to Great Adventure so I guess he was too exhausted to make it up Saturday evening. So I met up with Mom and the gang and then we headed to Siam Square for some most excellent Thai grub. We talked but not about my mental state, which I was eternally grateful for.
Yes, so the Baccalaureate Service. The procession began with a blessing from the Chinese Dancing Lions from Brown's squad. It was great, and really set the tone for things to come. They did their thing and then stood to the side dancing to the music of the drums, so the graduates had to walk past them on their way to the church. Ha. We walked down Waterman (me wearing my clunky black shoes instead of stylish heels just in case I unceremonious slipped down the steep-ass hill and busted my rump)and to the front of the First Baptist Church, where we were greeted by the Nigerian Drummers (I forget the troupe's name...and even if I remembered I know I couldn't spell it properly). Good times.
We walked in and sat down, a procedure that took a good 25 minutes (the church is huge, but not all of us could get seats...a few unlucky scragglers ended up standing, poor souls). I expected the ceremony to be boring and tedious, which is why I smuggled in Speaker of the Dead under the waistband of my skirt (I really should look into Special Ops, no one knew I had the book on me...). However I was surprised; it was totally engaging. Prayers in all the major faiths represented at school (Islamic, Christian, Baha'i, Jewish, Buddist, and some other ones that escape me) were shared. Dancers, singers, it was organized really really well. It was impossible to be bored. The speaker was Xu Wenli (I know I have his name wrong), who recently fled China after years of imprisonment. His speech was excellent, and I know I wanted to post some points he made but I totally forgot to keep a copy of it on me. I'll search for it later.
So that was done. My folks (mainly my Aunt Antionette) really wanted to go to Foxwoods afterwards (my grandmother apparently had made plans to swing by there on Sunday and they had wanted to meet up and go for dinner) and although I was exhausted I decided to go along as well (there's only so much nagging I can put up with - besides, I had no money so I had no idea how I was to gamble). Foxwoods, a prime example of Native Americans trying to gain something back from the white man after being fucked in the ass by them. Not that I blame them at all for it. Go for yours, sez I. But I digress. We were toting along my 12 year old brother, who couldn't go on the casino floor (obvious) so we at first sight-see'd (after trying futilely to contact my grandmother to meet up for dinner...seems she had her cell-phone off). We then decided to try to get something to eat and ended up on the longest line imaginable, waiting to be seated at a buffet (the American Way, eh?). My aunt and I weren't too keen on waiting on the line but my uncle's stomach was ruling his brain apparently, so we decided to scope out some other restaurants to see if there were any other shorter waits. Long story short (why do I develop diarrhea of the fingers when I'm in front of a computer?) my aunt *really* just wanted to gamble for a bit, she found a free slot-machine, played three times and on the third pull won $500. We looked at each other, said "Time to go" with grins on our faces, she cashed out, and we headed back. We had dinner and then the older people headed to the gambling areas while I took Dwayne around for some fun. We headed back and they dropped me off to my room, where I then proceeded to stay up all night packing (thanks to a tab of Vivarin).
Monday rolls along...and it's raining cats and dogs outside. I'm not going to go into the whole ceremony because, frankly, I'm just procrastinating as it is and my wrists are getting tired (and I'm sure the one person reading this is getting really really bored). Dad, Darwent, Darryl, and Jovona came up that morning and I ended up waiting for them before heading to green to line up...causing me to be the *last* person on line. I was next to a girl named Annabella (I made a quip about our names being so cute together we should start a duo - "the comedic stylings of Daniella and Annabella"...rolls off the tongue, right?) and we basically hit it off, making the whole "march in the rain for two hours barely tolerable (you think I'm joking, I'm not - two hours of marching and standing and inverting of socks(inside joke)... you had to have been there). By the end of the Main Green ceremony I had a distinct warm feeling in my lungs and a phlemy cough going on. Oh yeah, it was not all good in my 'hood.
I met up with my Aunts Zola and Angela and my cousins as well as Mom and the rest of them then we headed to the departmental ceremony where one is supposed to receive one's diploma. There was another girl in my same boat and we both had to have our names written into the procedure in order to be announced as Sc.B. candidates. We were the only black females in the Sc.B. squad, out of 12 candidates. I couldn't help but feel we were letting our gender and race down by not receiving our diplomas, but that was most likely the rain affecting my brain at that point (there were two black guys there getting Sc.B as well, so it wasn't all bad I suppose). When they called my name I walked on stage and I just shook the hand of the woman giving out diplomas, I didn't receive one. Not even a blank one to save face. It was very very embarassing. Very embarassing. Did I say how embarassing it was? Yes. Okay. I just felt like I let my folks down, and when I saw some of their faces afterwards that really hit home. It seemed like some of them really didn't want to be there. It put a damper on the little bit of cheer I'd been able to muster after getting soaked for 3 hours.
Anyway, so some of the part dispersed in ways that pissed me off (long story) and Mom, Dad, Darwent, Darryl, Dwayne, and Jovona remained. They helped me move into the apartment (it's still raining, mind you, and I'm still feeling that warmth in my chest) and I saw Uwa as I was struggling to get it (the lock is evil and hard to work). Thank goodness he showed up when he did. He remembered me and was terribly sweet. Dude's working for J.P. Morgan. Some people are just blessed. Afterwards the folks and I grabbed lunch at Cafe Java Grille. Then I thanked them for coming and they headed off. I kept only my PC, a bag of clothes, and my sheets in my dorm room (the rest was in the apartment) and on realizing I'd packed my alarm clock (seeing as I had to move out of the dorm by noon) I ended up downloading the coolest alarm clock for my PC (to get woken up by Love's on Fire is such a treat...heh).
I packed up the little stuff I had left when I awoke, and shipped out by 11:30. I was hoping I'd have the apartment for my lonesome for at least a little while but although Jordan moved out yesterday he let one of next term's subletters, a girl named Ozzie, stay in his room for a few days. She's peculiar, but very nice.
I got it into my head to go for Thai food after I was all done moving in yesterday, and since Siam Square is by far the best restaurant ever and I don't have a car or know a bus that goes there I decided to walk to it. The place was 2.5 miles away (precisely - I got the directions from Yahoo Maps) and by the time I got there my back was aching (the problem with having big breasts; the troubles I put up with...*le sigh*). I think it took me around 45 minutes? I forgot to time it. Then I had to walk back. Luckily it didn't rain, although it was threatening to all afternoon. The food was totally worth the 5 mile trek. Totally. Afterwards I attempted a bit of unpacking but kept getting distracted by I don't know what.
Mom called last night and after a clumsy saluation dove headlong into the questioning: "So why were you stressed out this semester?" I didn't really know how to answer that one. We exchanged awkward dialogue for a while, and I had to re-explain that I was going to graduate and I had enough credits to graduate but I wanted to go for the Sc.B. diploma instead of the A.B. one. More awkward dialogue and then she asked when I thought I was having a nervous breakdown. I giggled somewhat nervously (weirded out by the line of questioning)and said something along the lines of "I'm not having nor did I have a nervous breakdown. I wasn't playing bongo drums naked and I wasn't running up and down Thayer Street in a skirt screaming" to which she replied in a tone I'd never heard from her before "Well, if you were we wouldn't know about it because you're there and we're here". When she said that it dawned upon me that she's not upset with me, she's just scared and concerned for me. It really took me back for a bit, and even now I don't know how to deal with that bit of insight. She wants me to come home as soon as possible...but I don't. I want to stay here. How do I tell her part of the reason I was freaking out earlier was because I thought I'd have to go home? God, this is so complicated. Life is such a trip.
So, that brings me to today. Again, I'm sitting in a computer cluster on the Sci-Li Mezzanine. I'm supposed to be working on PY199 but I'm apparently procrastinating a bit. I think I'm still trying to decompress from everything that's happened over the last few days. It's beautifully overcast outside, in the sort of way that makes you want to drop everything, sit by a window and just stare out at the wonder that is nature. But I need to get this work done. I have a meeting with Professor Wincze tomorrow. I'm nervous about it, yes, but I'm hoping he's kind to me. And sincere. Maybe all will be well.
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no subject
Date: 2003-05-28 12:51 pm (UTC)your own lazinessmany other distractions to beat it all. You made it through with your head held high, and that impresses me much more than a degree temporarily denied you by a technicality. I'd have attended if I could.So, congratulations upon both your graduation and your proving to the world that you can make it through anything. You are unbreakable.
And no, I don't mean like the movie.
no subject
Date: 2003-05-29 07:43 am (UTC)Yeah, I know.
*grin* Thanks, D. That really means a lot.
no subject
Date: 2003-05-29 10:18 am (UTC)Yup, it was long....
Date: 2003-05-30 08:02 am (UTC)My advice, if you'd like, is to wait five years before you explain it to your folks. In five years, so much changes. Really, do you think you understand yourself that well that you can really explain it.
When I was dying in my final year (and get this one, I took an extra year because I didn't understand the message that told me I was eligible to graduate -- problems of being a student one semester and going off to Never Never Land another on and off for my whole university career), I did so think I was going to die, explode or implode or whatever. Truth is, now, today, I cannot for the life of me remember what exactly had me so wound up. Except life itself.
And so we somehow stop being children (not implying that you are a child -- but I was). And five years later, see if you can explain it. Hope your summer sublet is looking and feeling good.