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The past is past
Sep. 26th, 2004 12:08 amI'm going to try my darndest to put together a semi-coherent entry. My thoughts have been odd as of late.
My former neighbor came by today. I've seen him maybe three times since last August. I forget. It was weird. It's been weird for a while. For me, anyway. See, I spent a large part of my childhood and teen years being the object of his affections. Childhood to early teen years, I think. I can't remember much about the nature of my relationship during the last part of HS. It was cute, in retrospect. I mean, I made it clear to him that I didn't like him that way (at least I think I did) but he'd still do nice things like buy me the occasional box of candies for Valentine's Day. Heh. There was one Valentine's when he came by and it was snowing lightly outside. Very romantic, and I've been a romantic since as long as I could remember (or maybe the word "dreamer" is better in this case...but I'm getting off-track). He rings the doorbell with a rose in his hand and an anxious look on his face. The snow's falling and I'm thinking to myself "this moment, in this moment I could say or do anything". And what did I chose to say? "I'd go out with you...if you lost some weight". Then I kissed him quickly and ran to the back. See? I'm all heart.
All this happened, remember, when I was younger. *Much* younger, it feels like. I wasn't quite so jaded and bitter back then, I assure you. But I even then I was grappling with issues regarding weight and acceptance from others. And, yeah, my neighbor wasn't really my cup of tea. He wasn't as smart as I was, for one. And he was really really goofy. And his pants had a habit of falling down when we were on class field days (he was a grade below me). So, no. Not so endearing on that end. He didn't (and doesn't) do it for me. But we always had a blast together. He was always good for comic and video game talk. I remember his mother taking us to a few comic and gaming conventions during her time on earth. And he's always had a raucous sense of humor. I can remember clearly him, my brother, and myself shooting the shit on everything and anything late into the night.
No neighbor loving. I spent my youth mainly pining after people that wouldn't give me the time of day (the whole "it's easier to like someone who'll never ever in a million years look your way rather than be rejected than by someone who'll give you two seconds" mentality). But yeah, I seemed to have gotten a kick out of his crush on me that I never admitted to myself. Which would explain, in part, why I felt a little empty? put-out? when he came around with his girlfriend ("girlfriend? he has a girlfriend??!?!" I found myself thinking at the time) a couple of years ago. She was pretty and spanish, and I was ugly and...not spanish. That's when the awkwardness that'd been creeping up between us came to a head. We hadn't spoken in some time. It was...weird is the only way I can describe it. He stopped coming over as frequently; not sure why, not because of me, I'm sure. He'd moved in with his aunt near the LI border by that time.
So fast-forward to tonight. He came by for I don't what reason. On hearing him downstairs I'd planned on staying in my room until he left, but then I found out that he was going out to dinner with us. Ouch. I was happy, at that moment, that I'd gotten around to getting my hair done so that it was half-way decent. Odd. Well, not so odd. Human nature, I suppose.
Dinner started out weird (it's a running theme for this entry). I tried to arrange things so we sat on opposite sides and ends of the table. Mom nearly spoiled it (inadvertently, I'm sure) by asking him if he wanted to sit at the spot across from me. He said no, and I exhaled. But he broke the ice after a bit, asking me what I was up to. I told him school, yadda yadda yadda plans and such. I asked him what he was up to, he told me school work yadda yadda yadda. The girlfriend I was curious about, but I couldn't find a way to mention her without some bit of obviousness on my part. It was sort of like old times, with the joke cracking. Heck, we all even reminisced a bit about trips we took together. Fun.
No, I'm not looking for any sort of relationship with my former neighbor (I'm happy right now, thankeweberrymuch). I'm very glad he's happy; he's had one fucked up life up 'til recently, and he deserves good vibes and times. I just find my reaction to him curious. I don't like him, but yet I'm tiffed that he doesn't like me. Heh. People are strange.
My former neighbor came by today. I've seen him maybe three times since last August. I forget. It was weird. It's been weird for a while. For me, anyway. See, I spent a large part of my childhood and teen years being the object of his affections. Childhood to early teen years, I think. I can't remember much about the nature of my relationship during the last part of HS. It was cute, in retrospect. I mean, I made it clear to him that I didn't like him that way (at least I think I did) but he'd still do nice things like buy me the occasional box of candies for Valentine's Day. Heh. There was one Valentine's when he came by and it was snowing lightly outside. Very romantic, and I've been a romantic since as long as I could remember (or maybe the word "dreamer" is better in this case...but I'm getting off-track). He rings the doorbell with a rose in his hand and an anxious look on his face. The snow's falling and I'm thinking to myself "this moment, in this moment I could say or do anything". And what did I chose to say? "I'd go out with you...if you lost some weight". Then I kissed him quickly and ran to the back. See? I'm all heart.
All this happened, remember, when I was younger. *Much* younger, it feels like. I wasn't quite so jaded and bitter back then, I assure you. But I even then I was grappling with issues regarding weight and acceptance from others. And, yeah, my neighbor wasn't really my cup of tea. He wasn't as smart as I was, for one. And he was really really goofy. And his pants had a habit of falling down when we were on class field days (he was a grade below me). So, no. Not so endearing on that end. He didn't (and doesn't) do it for me. But we always had a blast together. He was always good for comic and video game talk. I remember his mother taking us to a few comic and gaming conventions during her time on earth. And he's always had a raucous sense of humor. I can remember clearly him, my brother, and myself shooting the shit on everything and anything late into the night.
No neighbor loving. I spent my youth mainly pining after people that wouldn't give me the time of day (the whole "it's easier to like someone who'll never ever in a million years look your way rather than be rejected than by someone who'll give you two seconds" mentality). But yeah, I seemed to have gotten a kick out of his crush on me that I never admitted to myself. Which would explain, in part, why I felt a little empty? put-out? when he came around with his girlfriend ("girlfriend? he has a girlfriend??!?!" I found myself thinking at the time) a couple of years ago. She was pretty and spanish, and I was ugly and...not spanish. That's when the awkwardness that'd been creeping up between us came to a head. We hadn't spoken in some time. It was...weird is the only way I can describe it. He stopped coming over as frequently; not sure why, not because of me, I'm sure. He'd moved in with his aunt near the LI border by that time.
So fast-forward to tonight. He came by for I don't what reason. On hearing him downstairs I'd planned on staying in my room until he left, but then I found out that he was going out to dinner with us. Ouch. I was happy, at that moment, that I'd gotten around to getting my hair done so that it was half-way decent. Odd. Well, not so odd. Human nature, I suppose.
Dinner started out weird (it's a running theme for this entry). I tried to arrange things so we sat on opposite sides and ends of the table. Mom nearly spoiled it (inadvertently, I'm sure) by asking him if he wanted to sit at the spot across from me. He said no, and I exhaled. But he broke the ice after a bit, asking me what I was up to. I told him school, yadda yadda yadda plans and such. I asked him what he was up to, he told me school work yadda yadda yadda. The girlfriend I was curious about, but I couldn't find a way to mention her without some bit of obviousness on my part. It was sort of like old times, with the joke cracking. Heck, we all even reminisced a bit about trips we took together. Fun.
No, I'm not looking for any sort of relationship with my former neighbor (I'm happy right now, thankeweberrymuch). I'm very glad he's happy; he's had one fucked up life up 'til recently, and he deserves good vibes and times. I just find my reaction to him curious. I don't like him, but yet I'm tiffed that he doesn't like me. Heh. People are strange.
