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Tori made me do it.
Jan. 29th, 2006 10:49 pmTomorrow is the first day of this semester's clinicals. Hopefully that explains the stomach pains I have. They can be chalked up to nerves or impending appendicitis. This first one is pediatrics with a woman who seems nice if overly chatty. I've forgotten most everything that has to do with children's vital signs, so I figure I'll spend a good part of tonight cramming and cursing myself out.
My brother was at his first HS championship track meet for shot put. I believe it was a Catholic HS event. He came in first for freshmen (out of 11) and, most impressive, 4th out of the varsity group (15 kids). You believe that? He beat 11 18-year-old kids and he's only 14. I'm very proud of him because he started training for shot put three weeks ago. Of course, that pride is increasingly becoming twinged by annoyance as he keeps knocking on my damn bedroom door while he passes by on the way to his room.
I spent a good bit of the day with my aunt. I'd planned on sitting in and possibly doing my studies or at the very least sitting in front of an open text while daydreaming, but she called and asked if I wanted to go to the mall with her. I didn't end up buying anything besides a pretzel and some lemonade, but I helped her pick out some luggage. I have to say, I dislike when I'm with people who are indecisive but I personally find it impossibly hard to make a decision when I have money on the line. We spent maybe 50 minutes looking at the stock before she found something she liked. Then we went back to her place, had some of her fresh bread (yummy!, freshly baked bread right out of the oven with a cup of 1/2 cocoa 1/2 coffee *slobbering noises*), and headed out to church.
I didn't go to church last week because I was cross about having to return to school...okay, that's a flimsy excuse. I didn't go last week because I didn't want to leave the house and my favorite reverend wasn't giving the homily so I said "what the hell" and read some book, it might have been Mordred but I can't recall. When we went this week the Jamaican fellow greeted me at the door with a smile and "better late than never". I abhor being late and, at any rate I wasn't; slightly confused I told him as much, looking at my watch for good measure. He then told me he had a special message for me during his homily last week. Feeling more than a little guilty I tried to coax the "message" out of him, but he wasn't giving up the goods.
It's things like what happened with him this evening that make me want to not attend regularly. I like church and I love St. Bart's service for the most part (when the singer starts going crazy with the embellishments I want to point him crosstown to 42nd and Broadway; I'm still too Catholic for anything besides straight-from-the-page delivery) but I just want to sing the hymns, shake the hands of my fellow parishioners, meditate, and be on my merry way. I don't want special messages and I don't want to be made guilty about not getting up off my bed any given evening. I guess it's my fault for initially being very open of myself and my time when I first started going to the church back in July. Now that I'm in the "I like you but I don't want you to touch me" phase of my social relationship (with a church in this instance, although generally I do these things with people) the other party isn't really getting the hint. I suppose it's just this fellow. Rev. Tully (whom I adore to the high heavens) espouses the belief that you should let people lie. Make all feel welcome, and if they wish to blend into the background let them. The Jamaican guy is new and an ex-Catholic - the guilt-making comes natural to him, I suppose. I still am fond of him.
Back to the relationship bit tangentially mentioned above - I'm quite obviously a follower of the "I like you, now leave me alone" school. I like to connect with people, but then I do little things to push them away. Those who tolerate me the longest are often people that are, for lack of a better word (I'm really tired; please forgive me), clingy. The clingy-ness annoys me but also endears them to me because it makes me feel like I'm important, like I'm *needed*, and who doesn't like to feel needed? I could go about excusing myself for my actions and explaining I'm the way I am because most of my early deep relationships ended abruptly, leaving me with a sense of abandonment. And because of those failed relationships I was a loner throughout my adolescence. And being a loner meant I never had the opportunity to practice social skills so I was inept enough to be chronically unable to figure out what the hell was going on in one-on-one interactions (the less said about group interactions the better). And that once you hit the late teens and you don't have many friends it's automatically assumed you have a major dysfunction...which is most likely true but no one really wants to be friend with someone who has less than a handful of friends. But that above? just rationalization for things that should or shouldn't have happened. And the reason why I should have avoided psychology altogether.
God. Nothing like Tori Amos to make a person feel pseudo-profound.
My brother was at his first HS championship track meet for shot put. I believe it was a Catholic HS event. He came in first for freshmen (out of 11) and, most impressive, 4th out of the varsity group (15 kids). You believe that? He beat 11 18-year-old kids and he's only 14. I'm very proud of him because he started training for shot put three weeks ago. Of course, that pride is increasingly becoming twinged by annoyance as he keeps knocking on my damn bedroom door while he passes by on the way to his room.
I spent a good bit of the day with my aunt. I'd planned on sitting in and possibly doing my studies or at the very least sitting in front of an open text while daydreaming, but she called and asked if I wanted to go to the mall with her. I didn't end up buying anything besides a pretzel and some lemonade, but I helped her pick out some luggage. I have to say, I dislike when I'm with people who are indecisive but I personally find it impossibly hard to make a decision when I have money on the line. We spent maybe 50 minutes looking at the stock before she found something she liked. Then we went back to her place, had some of her fresh bread (yummy!, freshly baked bread right out of the oven with a cup of 1/2 cocoa 1/2 coffee *slobbering noises*), and headed out to church.
I didn't go to church last week because I was cross about having to return to school...okay, that's a flimsy excuse. I didn't go last week because I didn't want to leave the house and my favorite reverend wasn't giving the homily so I said "what the hell" and read some book, it might have been Mordred but I can't recall. When we went this week the Jamaican fellow greeted me at the door with a smile and "better late than never". I abhor being late and, at any rate I wasn't; slightly confused I told him as much, looking at my watch for good measure. He then told me he had a special message for me during his homily last week. Feeling more than a little guilty I tried to coax the "message" out of him, but he wasn't giving up the goods.
It's things like what happened with him this evening that make me want to not attend regularly. I like church and I love St. Bart's service for the most part (when the singer starts going crazy with the embellishments I want to point him crosstown to 42nd and Broadway; I'm still too Catholic for anything besides straight-from-the-page delivery) but I just want to sing the hymns, shake the hands of my fellow parishioners, meditate, and be on my merry way. I don't want special messages and I don't want to be made guilty about not getting up off my bed any given evening. I guess it's my fault for initially being very open of myself and my time when I first started going to the church back in July. Now that I'm in the "I like you but I don't want you to touch me" phase of my social relationship (with a church in this instance, although generally I do these things with people) the other party isn't really getting the hint. I suppose it's just this fellow. Rev. Tully (whom I adore to the high heavens) espouses the belief that you should let people lie. Make all feel welcome, and if they wish to blend into the background let them. The Jamaican guy is new and an ex-Catholic - the guilt-making comes natural to him, I suppose. I still am fond of him.
Back to the relationship bit tangentially mentioned above - I'm quite obviously a follower of the "I like you, now leave me alone" school. I like to connect with people, but then I do little things to push them away. Those who tolerate me the longest are often people that are, for lack of a better word (I'm really tired; please forgive me), clingy. The clingy-ness annoys me but also endears them to me because it makes me feel like I'm important, like I'm *needed*, and who doesn't like to feel needed? I could go about excusing myself for my actions and explaining I'm the way I am because most of my early deep relationships ended abruptly, leaving me with a sense of abandonment. And because of those failed relationships I was a loner throughout my adolescence. And being a loner meant I never had the opportunity to practice social skills so I was inept enough to be chronically unable to figure out what the hell was going on in one-on-one interactions (the less said about group interactions the better). And that once you hit the late teens and you don't have many friends it's automatically assumed you have a major dysfunction...which is most likely true but no one really wants to be friend with someone who has less than a handful of friends. But that above? just rationalization for things that should or shouldn't have happened. And the reason why I should have avoided psychology altogether.
God. Nothing like Tori Amos to make a person feel pseudo-profound.
