Group Lovin'

[fredericks]

To explain: I went to bed at 3:30AM and for some unknown and frustrating reason woke up at 6AM unable to go back to sleep. Be forewarned - this entry will be even more scatterbrained and nonsensical than usual.

I've been closely following the Group of 8 Summit that's occurring in France and I have some important things to say (as journalists worldwide wait with bated breath).

• Junichiro Koizumi is one fine piece of ass; his face even wrinkles fetchingly when he smiles, a rare thing for older men (in my most unhumble opinion). I do wish he'd make a guest star appearance on Queer as Folk. Think of the PR boost that would result! And the slash fiction that would arise. I'd totally get TiVo and/or cable for that one.
  
  
• Bush Jr. looks disturbingly like an overgrown Keebler Elf when photographed upclose. A Keebler Elf with designs to take over the cookie factory, if you know what I mean. And I think that you do.
  
  
• Okay, show of hands - who knew there was actually a town in existence in France called Evian? Jeez. The least you people could have done was send me a memo or something.
  
  
• Alright, new question: show of hands - who thinks Evian's "spring" water is simply French tap water bottled by people with swarmy mustaches and questionable hygiene? Really? So why do y'all drink it? Think on that one, smarty-pants.
  
  
• With our nation being unabashedly homophobic, isn't it amusing that a lot of the pictures being publicized from the summit consist of men in rather intimate embraces? Well, as intimate as one can be with a suit on and the Free World watching.
  
  
• It must be the accent. How else to explain the nosedive British standards have taken: since when was Tony Blair ever considered hot? I'd have to have consumed at least 3 Sam Adams on an empty stomach to give the man a double take. And I'd have to be really desperate. Really really desperate. Hmm. At least the man's not Putin, I'll give him that much.
  
  Oh, and I've read the articles too, I swear. Objects in the rear-view mirror are not as shallow as they appear. It's amusing and terrifying the way the events are being reported, in the New York Times at least. More space is spent commenting on the body language of the participants and their histories (the histories between the leaders, mind you, not the countries they represent) than on the words coming out of their mouths. It's like they're a dating circle or are making plans to get together for dinner or coffee instead of quibbling about the strength of the world economy or deciding what to do about the small problem of nuclear weapons.
  
  One great bit I caught today: "Indeed, Mr. Chirac told reporters today that Mr. Bush 'asked me if I was going to the session, and I said it was possible, and President Bush said 'I'd be happy to meet you on the occasion' and I said 'Gladly''. Mr. Bush's gesture contrasted with his angry remarks several weeks ago that Chirac would not be visiting the ranch in Texas anytime soon."
  
  Alright, have you absorbed that? The utter ridiculousness of that bit of info?? I don't know which is more groan-inducing: the reporting or the dialogue and events contained within. Honestly, the first time I read that this is what I saw: "Indeed, [Jack] told reporters today that [Dubya]'asked me if I was going to the [dance], and I said it was possible, and [Dubya] said '[Swell!]' and I said '[It's a date, Georgie-Poo]''. [Dubya]'s gesture contrasted with his angry remarks several weeks ago that [that Frenchie asshole] would not be visiting [his house] anytime soon." How grade-school is that shit, really?
  
  All my snarking about pictures, profanity, and harping on the hotness that is Koizumi (which cannot be denied, even by the straightest of you male readers) is just my brain's feeble attempts to deal with the stark realization that the world politics on display here is nothing more than a very dangerous, very drawn-out mating dance. The manner in which handshakes are dealt out is debated by noted scholars. A giggle at an inappropriate time can spell disaster for your nation's petrol supplies. And God forbid you stand up any one of your fellow Superfriends, even Chretien, arguably the Aquaman of the bunch (although the most amusing by default: French-Canadian accents are fall-down funny); the press would have a field day.
  
  If you ask me they all should retire to Dubya's ranch in Texas and have a go at it. They can deny it all they want in public, but the sexual tension between them is palpable. Perhaps film it for prosperity and show it on Pay-Per-View, using the money raised to finally build a secret headquarters worthy of the G-8 name.
  
  *sigh* I'm so scared it isn't funny. Where's my Valium?

Comments

Re: Indeed, this is a nightmare

[fredericks.livejournal.com]

Ha. Watching the proceedings produces in me equal parts terror and hysterical laughter. Humor's usually my strongest weapon so that wins and results in my odd speculation about what's *really* going on in good ole Evian.

If my time-tested denial barrier broke down and I seriously contemplated the fact that events like these are just for show and the people that *really* have a say about what's what are all busily conspiring to break the cardinal rule about "loving thy neighbor" in order to gobble up a fossil fuel that by all accounts is destroying our ozone and is well on its way to being depleated...well then, I might just go batty-batty-batty.

So I'm back to happy thoughts about G-8 Supervillains and illicit affairs. La-la-la.