fredericks

sternel started talking about the crazy-ass foot traffic in midtown this week (thanks, UN!) and linked to a post a fellow NYer put up in

newyorkers about city traversing etiquette. A comment within that post linked to a most hilarious thing. a thing that should be taught to city dwellers and visitors alike which I've titled The Other Ten Commandments. God bless a humorous mind.

And Yahweh spake unto Moses, and said "Heed my laws, for they shall guide you in the great cities unto the end of days." And He wrote His commandments on two slabs of pavement. But lo, they were too heavy for Moses, so Yahweh abbreviated His Word somewhat.

1. Upon the sidewalk, thou shalt behave as though it were the road, and lanes shall be established, that the hasty may have dominion over the slow, that those who travel in opposite directions may not come into contact with one another, and that those who power-walk might safely bypass those who gawk.

2. Thou shalt not come to a cessation of motion in the sidewalk, for it angers Yahweh God, and He shalt smite thee. And if He does not, He shalt permit others on the sidewalk to act as His hands, and they shalt smite thee in His name.

3. Thou shalt attend to thine surroundings and be not distracted by godless pursuits. Those who useth their cell phones with great vigor while remaining unaware of those around them arouse the displeasure of Yahweh God, and He shalt smite them, and inflict greater roaming charges upon them, because they are bastards. Those who draggeth wheeled carrying containers must also pay heed, that they not entangle the legs of those around them, and cause grief. They shall inherit a beating.

4. Do not be fooled by the moving walkway, the escalator, and yea, even the stairwell of old, for the law of Yahweh applies to them as well. Let the slothful stand aside that the hasty may take advantage of technology's boon.

5. Behold the stairwell, for it may contain a banister dividing it in two equal parts. Proceed on the right side, much as thou wouldst drive thine car on the highway, unless thou drivest in the British fashion, which is an abomination unto the eyes of the Lord.

6. Control thine progeny, for they must learn of the law of Yahweh. Should they lose direction and wander into the path of the opposing traveller, they may be trampled, and justice will be done, yea, even amidst the wailing of the infants. Yahweh invented the leash for a reason, and His reasons are just.

7. Control thine elderly, for they move with lethargy and unseeing eyes, and will confound the feet of the traveller with walkers and canes. Yahweh will recall them unto His hand, should they cause one to miss the 9:05 train.

8. Blessed are the jaywalkers, but accursed be those who jaywalk unprofessionally, disregarding the flow of vehicular traffic around them. They shalt be impacted upon by the bumper of the taxi, which shall act as the hand of Yahweh God, even if it is driven by a Pakistani.

9. Tourists, respect the cities that thou visiteth. Respect too those who dwell in those cities, for they know the laws of the sidewalk that Yahweh has set down in concrete. Respect, as thou respecteth the laws of thine own dwelling, or thou shalt be smitten with yon two-by-four.

10. Thou that dwelleth in country, in greener pastures, in the valley of the shadow of rurality, that know not the sidewalk and its ways, Yahweh says unto thee, Get With The Program, bitches.

Amen.

The web of LJ. Lovin' it.