What I was doing New Years.
Jan. 1st, 2005 03:34 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
fredericksNew Year's Eve was spent in the company of family. We gathered by my aunt's house, the one who'd lost her husband earlier this year. It was the same old same old: the guys sat downstairs and watched television, the women sat upstairs. As usual, I stuck out like a thumb. Being the oldest offspring on my maternal side I'm too old to hang with the kids and too young to hang with the adults. So I spent the time playfully harassing the youngest of the lot (cute kids) and idling listening to the older people.
Where do I fit? I'm 24 years old, and I still carry on like a kid. I still *am* a kid, cosmically speaking, but...I'm 24 years old. I live at home and don't act my age. I should be, I don't know, partying and getting drunk and waking up in strangers' bedrooms at odd hours having no idea how I got there. Instead I play video games with my brothers and dutifully come to the call of my father so he can berate me like I'm half my age. My lack of friends my age plays a part in it, sure, but my home situation is, to me, the big deciding factor. There's no reason why I'm still here, and I'm going to continue to feel like a child while I live here. Particularly because of my father. So, that's my goal for this year. Not resolution, because those things are made to be broken. My goal. My goal is to get out from under my parents house. And there are lots of mini-milestones inherent in that goal. Getting into my nursing school. Finding a steady job. Making a cohesive five/ten/fifteen year plan. But all I want to be able to say when Dec 31st of 2005 rolls around is that I made it on my way (I can do without the drunken encounters though; there's a thin line between "being an adult" and "being stupid", and to me, those always seemed to cross it).
To those on my Friends List that manage and have managed to slog their way through my entries: I wish you all a blessed New Year. You have all blessed me with your support, kind words, and wise cracks over the last year. And it's very VERY much appreciated. I'll let Neil Gaiman's words wrap this entry up, because I tend not to be eloquent at 4 o'clock in the morning.
Where do I fit? I'm 24 years old, and I still carry on like a kid. I still *am* a kid, cosmically speaking, but...I'm 24 years old. I live at home and don't act my age. I should be, I don't know, partying and getting drunk and waking up in strangers' bedrooms at odd hours having no idea how I got there. Instead I play video games with my brothers and dutifully come to the call of my father so he can berate me like I'm half my age. My lack of friends my age plays a part in it, sure, but my home situation is, to me, the big deciding factor. There's no reason why I'm still here, and I'm going to continue to feel like a child while I live here. Particularly because of my father. So, that's my goal for this year. Not resolution, because those things are made to be broken. My goal. My goal is to get out from under my parents house. And there are lots of mini-milestones inherent in that goal. Getting into my nursing school. Finding a steady job. Making a cohesive five/ten/fifteen year plan. But all I want to be able to say when Dec 31st of 2005 rolls around is that I made it on my way (I can do without the drunken encounters though; there's a thin line between "being an adult" and "being stupid", and to me, those always seemed to cross it).
To those on my Friends List that manage and have managed to slog their way through my entries: I wish you all a blessed New Year. You have all blessed me with your support, kind words, and wise cracks over the last year. And it's very VERY much appreciated. I'll let Neil Gaiman's words wrap this entry up, because I tend not to be eloquent at 4 o'clock in the morning.
May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't to forget make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-01-01 06:40 pm (UTC)You really are the New York version of myself.
I finally moved out on my own this year, at the ripe old age of 24. I have a baby for god's sake, and I was still living at home with my mother for really no good reason. The shitty thing about it was that when my mom got married this year, after being single for 10 years, I was no longer a decision-maker in the household. She and my stepdad were the "Grown-ups" and I was back to being "the kid" again. It was the most frustrating feeling ever. So, since they treated me like a kid, I acted like one. I was nasty to them and didn't clean my room and I acted like I was 13 years old again. It was horrible. I didn't have to worry about the bills, and I really had no responsibilities except for looking after my daughter. It's so easy when you're in that kind of a situation, to not really care about anything. I forced myself to move out cause I could just picture myself still living there ten years from now... having broken up my mom's marriage because I was jealous of it, and still not having a degree and so on, and so on, and so on.
And even my dad.. I love him, but he ALWAYS has to be right. One time we got in an argument and he told me, "We are not equals. You will defer to me or we will not have a relationship." I told him that if he was wrong, I was going to tell him he was wrong and I refuse to "defer" just because he was my dad. We didn't talk for, like, 3 months. We're okay now, but if there was ever anyone who makes me feel like a child, it's him.
I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I didn't even feel like a grown-up until I moved out. Hell, I still don't, really. I still don't have a degree or any kind of a plan. Have you ever seen Office Space? Where they're talking about what they would do if they have a million dollars and could do whatever they wanted.. and that was supposed to be what your career should be? Well, Peter says he doesn't have an answer. If he had a million dollars, he would be a lazy ass and do nothing. That's how I feel.
Anyway, the point of my long-ass reply is that even though I don't know you, really, I support you completely with your goals for 2005. Good luck, and don't give up!
no subject
Date: 2005-01-01 09:03 pm (UTC)You aren't kidding. You sure you aren't just some Bizarro World version of me (or vice versa)? What is it with fathers thinking that they rule households? My father is exactly your father. He believes everyone must defer to him, there's no discussion to be had, blah blah blah. I was lucky enough to go to an away school for college so I had a reprieve from him for a bit, but coming back here is really killing my spirit, in all the ways you mentioned in your reply (and, trust me, I like long-winded replies).
Heh. "Office Space". Yes, I know precisely what you mean. The little drive I can seem to muster is to make money so I can get to the point where I can sit back and do nothing if I want to. And the lottery just isn't working out for me.
It's nice to know that there's someone out there who knows where I'm coming from, and as taken the path I want to take. It's comforting as all hell. I wish you light, luck, and love for the next year as well. And all the snark your heart desires.