(no subject)

[fredericks]

Late night, school night, and I'm still awake. I am certifiable.

A very heartfelt "thank you" to the people that replied with sympathy to my last post. I normally attempt to reply to every comment I get, but the subject matter being what it is it'd be too taxing.

We put Krishna to sleep this evening. It was hard, but I think both of us might have been ready. Mom and I decided to take her because of the way she'd been acting yesterday. I thought I would have been fine until we stepped into the vet's office, at least, but our topic today in Relationship Centered Communication was Grief and Loss. It made me realize I've been grieving for Krishna since getting the diagnosis and all the aborted trips to the vet have been wearing me down mentally, to the point where I'm fairly certain I had a mental break last night. Sure, during the church event I ended up in the same room with some people who basically dumped me, but I doubt I would have reacted the way I did if I didn't have Krishna on my mind.

Class discussion focused on people speaking about their experiences with loss and I just wanted to share how I felt. I ended up pulling the professor out during break and telling her about the whole Krishna thing (it'd worked out that I'd called the vet a couple of minutes prior to speaking to the professor). I broke down before I could even say anything, and the calm collected side of my persona felt like smacking me. I didn't really know *why* I was crying, although I figured it was because I finally had an impartial sympathetic figure with which to interact. It helped that she was a trained psychiatric NP so I KNEW she wouldn't say the wrong thing...like "it's a part of life, you know", a little bon mot my mother shared with me while I cried in the car on the way back from the vet.

When I came back home I threw out everything that was Krishna's - her leash and harness, the lead in the backyard, her blankets, her bones, toys, what-have-you. I guess it's because I don't want to be reminded of her constantly. Sounds wrong, but it's how I operate. She'll always be with me, but I don't want to be reminded that she's not here. I have spent some time staring at the back, where she'd stay when she was going to sleep, and realizing how empty the space is now. I think I've finished crying, though. Not one tear while I typed up the above.

Please, I'm not fishing for sympathy so don't give it UNLESS you'll find it therapeutic for yourself (if you have a story to share or need to get off your chest).
*

Tomorrow - validation on a SHITLOAD of skills for head/neck/cardiac/vascular. I'm so going to fail. We do get three attempts, though.
Thursday - an exam (have barely studied for) and a paper due (have not even STARTED yet, although have an idea what I want to do and have finished the book).

Me = screwed. Is there a patron saint for procrastinators? Because I need to be burning some incense in his/her name or somesuch. Then again, if such an entity existed he/she would probably take a helluva lot of time to answer personal requests.

Comments

[tjfalcon.livejournal.com]

It must have been very hard to let go. But you did the right thing.

[melancthe.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry to hear this. I wouldn't normally reply with just an "I'm sorry" comment, but I lost a beloved pet last week, and your post made me just want to say something, even if it's just an awkward virtual pat on the shoulder.

... although, thinking about it, all my "real life" awkward-shoulder-patting is usually followed by, "So, would a strawberry daiquiri make you feel any better?" :)

Yes, I know, I'm rambling. :)

[fredericks.livejournal.com]

... although, thinking about it, all my "real life" awkward-shoulder-patting is usually followed by, "So, would a strawberry daiquiri make you feel any better?" :)

I like your method of "awkward-shoulder-patting". *grin*
Thanks very much for caring. I'm sorry about Hobbes. I'm still keeping you and yours in my thoughts.

[darker-one.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry. It does sound like it was the absolute right thing to do, but that I'm sure that doesn't make it any easier or less painful. I dread the day that I will have to go through that with one of my animals.

[fredericks.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much for caring. It means a lot. The whole thing about "treasure the time you have" is really hokey but totally true - who knew?? And applicable in tons of situations.

[aniseastra.livejournal.com]

Losing a pet is always hard, especially when you have to put one to sleep... *hugs*

[fredericks.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Megan. *hugs* It means a lot to me.

[aniseastra.livejournal.com]

I still miss my pet snakey, Coils...she died only a few months after I got her, and I can't help thinking that somehow, I did something that killed her.

[zelle999.livejournal.com]

It's good that you let it out of your system. I'm glad you found yourself in a position where you could open up to someone and not hear the infuriating cliches about life and death. "They're in a better place now", "Death is a part of life", etc etc. Those things HARDLY make it easier.

I love dogs. We used to have two, a malamute and a golden retriever, Blackie and Duke. It was a blended family. My dad's dog and his girlfriend's dog. They were already adult dogs when they met each other but they just loved each other from the first moment. One day we were getting ready to go out and all of a sudden, I hear this yelling and I run outside and Blackie is lying there, tongue hanging out, and he had lost control of his bowels. Somehow he had broken his neck. To this day, we have no idea how he did it. Either he got startled and twisted it himself, or he ran into the glass door.. No one saw it. But in an instant, he was gone. It was horrible. HORRIBLE. He had been our dog since I was seven years old. Duke was really upset. He knew that Blackie was gone, but he didn't understand why. Within a year, we found out he had cancer and after a while, they put him to sleep, but he had never really been the same after Blackie died. As far fetched as some people may think it is, we really think he was just too sad to go on. They used to sleep with their paws crossing.

I know you don't really go for the mushy stuff, but I am thinking about you today.

[fredericks.livejournal.com]

They used to sleep with their paws crossing.
That is so sweet. I'm sure they enjoyed their time together.

What you said wasn't mushy. *hugs* Thank you for caring.

[daymare47.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry to hear about Krishna. I've had my fair share of animals put down. The last one was when I was 16. Our Pit Bull/Boxer, who had been the family dog since he was born, had to be put down due to bone cancer. He was the same age as me, and it was easily one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

*hugs* I do hope you're doing alright...

[fredericks.livejournal.com]

Wow, 16. That's such a long time together. I'm sure your time together was amazing. And thank you for sharing what you had to go through. *hugs*

[http://users.livejournal.com/_ms_anonymous/]

I know you aren't asking for sympathy, but I it makes me so sad that I have to offer my condolences. This just makes me want to run home and hug my dog. I know that one day he'll be gone, too, but I just kind of pretend that he'll live forever. I can tell from the way you talk about Krishna that she had a wonderful life full of love, and I'm sure she's happy now in doggie heaven.

[fredericks.livejournal.com]

and I'm sure she's happy now in doggie heaven.
God's honest truth, when I read your reply I envisioned going to Heaven and seeing that golden-haired dog jumping up and down with her crazy wagging tail, happy to see me. It's an awesome thought. Thank you for it! *grin* And thank you for caring enough to reply.

[bbart.livejournal.com]

{HUG}

This makes me think of all the pets I've outlived. Now I really want to run home and hug the crap out of the two stupid cats there.

[fredericks.livejournal.com]

*hug* Thank you for caring. I'm sure the cats appreciated the TLC.

[captainschlumpy.livejournal.com]

Having been in your position before I know how difficult your decision was. Other than my sympathy I don't have any words of wisdom to make it easier, just take it one day at a time.

[fredericks.livejournal.com]

Thanks for caring. What you gave me were words enough. *hug*

[lostcrackerjack.livejournal.com]

I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for you, I'm truly sorry. I really fear the day that I might have to do the same thing, I just don't know how I'll cope. Sadly I know that my kitty will die someday and that it is inevitable but I just don't like to think about it. :-(

[fredericks.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the kind words, D. It means a lot to me. With your kitty - just savor the time you have.

[snacktastic.livejournal.com]

Losing pets is very painful. I still remember and talk with my mom about animals that we have lost and our memories of them. I think you did the right thing. As far as talking to your professor, that's always a good idea. As a clinician, I've cried in front of my professors and supervisors. It's nice that in the healthcare fields, there is more of a tolerance of feelings.

[snacktastic.livejournal.com]

Btw, there is a Patron Saint for Procrasinators.

St. Expeditus

And you thought that some questions were rhetorical.

[fredericks.livejournal.com]

Yeah, talking to my prof was the outlet I needed. I think crying with a person there, anyone who wouldn't mess up the moment with a platitude, was what I needed at that time. She was great enough to oblige me.

Thanks for the words of wisdom.

[taii.livejournal.com]

Shit, I missed this post.
Sorry to hear that Krishna's now gone. But is anyone/anything/anypet truly gone while you still remember them?

But, on a lighter note...
I think there was meant to be a parton saint for procrastination, but they kept putting it off...
gods, I suck at jokes