(no subject)

[fredericks]

Late night, school night, and I'm still awake. I am certifiable.

A very heartfelt "thank you" to the people that replied with sympathy to my last post. I normally attempt to reply to every comment I get, but the subject matter being what it is it'd be too taxing.

We put Krishna to sleep this evening. It was hard, but I think both of us might have been ready. Mom and I decided to take her because of the way she'd been acting yesterday. I thought I would have been fine until we stepped into the vet's office, at least, but our topic today in Relationship Centered Communication was Grief and Loss. It made me realize I've been grieving for Krishna since getting the diagnosis and all the aborted trips to the vet have been wearing me down mentally, to the point where I'm fairly certain I had a mental break last night. Sure, during the church event I ended up in the same room with some people who basically dumped me, but I doubt I would have reacted the way I did if I didn't have Krishna on my mind.

Class discussion focused on people speaking about their experiences with loss and I just wanted to share how I felt. I ended up pulling the professor out during break and telling her about the whole Krishna thing (it'd worked out that I'd called the vet a couple of minutes prior to speaking to the professor). I broke down before I could even say anything, and the calm collected side of my persona felt like smacking me. I didn't really know *why* I was crying, although I figured it was because I finally had an impartial sympathetic figure with which to interact. It helped that she was a trained psychiatric NP so I KNEW she wouldn't say the wrong thing...like "it's a part of life, you know", a little bon mot my mother shared with me while I cried in the car on the way back from the vet.

When I came back home I threw out everything that was Krishna's - her leash and harness, the lead in the backyard, her blankets, her bones, toys, what-have-you. I guess it's because I don't want to be reminded of her constantly. Sounds wrong, but it's how I operate. She'll always be with me, but I don't want to be reminded that she's not here. I have spent some time staring at the back, where she'd stay when she was going to sleep, and realizing how empty the space is now. I think I've finished crying, though. Not one tear while I typed up the above.

Please, I'm not fishing for sympathy so don't give it UNLESS you'll find it therapeutic for yourself (if you have a story to share or need to get off your chest).
*

Tomorrow - validation on a SHITLOAD of skills for head/neck/cardiac/vascular. I'm so going to fail. We do get three attempts, though.
Thursday - an exam (have barely studied for) and a paper due (have not even STARTED yet, although have an idea what I want to do and have finished the book).

Me = screwed. Is there a patron saint for procrastinators? Because I need to be burning some incense in his/her name or somesuch. Then again, if such an entity existed he/she would probably take a helluva lot of time to answer personal requests.

Comments

[snacktastic.livejournal.com]

Losing pets is very painful. I still remember and talk with my mom about animals that we have lost and our memories of them. I think you did the right thing. As far as talking to your professor, that's always a good idea. As a clinician, I've cried in front of my professors and supervisors. It's nice that in the healthcare fields, there is more of a tolerance of feelings.

[snacktastic.livejournal.com]

Btw, there is a Patron Saint for Procrasinators.

St. Expeditus

And you thought that some questions were rhetorical.

[fredericks.livejournal.com]

Yeah, talking to my prof was the outlet I needed. I think crying with a person there, anyone who wouldn't mess up the moment with a platitude, was what I needed at that time. She was great enough to oblige me.

Thanks for the words of wisdom.