Latenight Rant

Why is it easier to believe one is alone when one is surrounded by people that are not? I've gradually gone from having no RL friends and a bevy of virtual friends to having one RL friend and a few virtual acquaintances (people who I feel somewhat uncomfortable opening up to). I've never really admitted to them my emotions, I suppose because I often can't read how I'm feeling. For some reason everyone I associate with seems to have a ton of friends whom they bring up occasionally. I can't do the same and it really cuts me deep. Not because I don't have friends, but that other can *see* I don't have friends. Pride and shame are a recurring theme in my life. It's somewhat pathetic.

One person who I did share a lot of my feelings with (let's call him friend A for simplicity and anonymity's sake) has apparently "moved on". I guess his life is thriving, so he has less time for a pathetic individual he's only conversed with via IM boxes. Admitting that, even on a weblog that will most likely never be noticed, hurts. It hurts a lot. Seven years of relations that started dying a slow death roughly 3 years ago. Oh yes, I wasn't oblivious to the fact that our friendship was dying. How did I put it? "Friendships must adapt over time". That's 4 years of psych and $130,000 worth of knowledge right there. Our friendship didn't adapt, probably because of my low self-esteem. I can't help that I hate myself, but it makes it hard for a friendship to survive when one person suffers from severe depression, the other is a mopey individual constantly in denial, and the only way they communicate is via 2 modems and a shitload of routers.

*le sigh* I'm wasting time here when I should be preparing for sleep. Let's paraphrase this entry - my life sucks. Fin.

Hello Morning!

After roughly a nanosecond of contemplation last night around 2AM I decided to stay up the entire night reading. As a rule I tend to avoid all-nighters if possible, so I definitely wasn't used to trying to remain awake for extended periods of time. The night before I'd taken 2 Sominex to hasten sleep because my internal clock is apparently all out of wack; the last few nights I've been falling asleep around 4AM and waking up around 11AM. Surprisingly the Sominex didn't kick in until around 3AM (I took them at midnight) and, yup, I still woke up at 11.

So last night/early this morning I said "Fuck it" and decided to stay up re-reading Otherland. I never really realized how thick and daunting the series is until I decided I wanted to go through it all again. The first time I was driven to find out what was going on with all of my beloved characters and sort of sped through it all. Now I know what's going to happen and so I'm taking my time getting through it but, wow, thats alotta words! Williams had a shitload of subplots running through his work; it's admirable the way he weaves them all and ties everything up at the end. But I should leave my gushing rant of love for all things Otherland for another day. When I'm more coherent, perhaps.