Not Sandman, and I'm Not Worthy
Oct. 10th, 2003 12:55 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
fredericksI started reading American Gods, which I assume is comic god Neil Gaiman's first attempt at a novel [ed. to add - Wow. Why am I so pretentious-sounding? You notice that? Soften one word and remove a few others and the tone of my last sentence changes to the way I wanted it to be. The written word - gotta love it!]. I managed to make it only 7 pages before having to put it down. Within the space of 3 pages the word "aggrieved" was used twice. I can't recall ever coming across an author that's used aggrieved to describe dialogue (what do you call them there? adverbs?), and the guy used it twice like it was nothing. That was more amusing than anything. What was tiresome was the way he would constantly write "he carried her to the bedroom". Yes the two characters were getting it on, but come on, please find a better way to say that. I think three or so paragraphs ended "he carried her to the bedroom". After the second time I rolled my eyes. After the third time I put the book away on my shelf. We get it, they're a loving couple. He got the idea across better when he was being subtle and non-repetitive about the whole thing. I'll pick it back up eventually. I'm sure it gets better once things get rolling and everything is established.
Jo called me today and told me they found a lump in her breast. And I was freaked, but in a weird way. I mean, I hadn't spoken to her in maybe two weeks and I forgot she'd said she was coming up last weekend. What a craptacular friend, eh? So add the guilt of not having spoken to her in a while to the fear that she might have something seriously wrong with her...and, well, let's just say that my usual rush to get off the phone with her was absent. She claims the docs are 95% certain it's benign and she also claims she's doing fine, just inconvenienced because she's missed about a week of school. I believe her, if only because she's gone through just about as much if not more than I have, and she's just an amazingly strong, resilient individual. Or so she leads everyone to believe. She may be just like me, in that she feels obligated to put on a strong front, but is hurting inside. Either way, I still feel so grateful to have her in my life. I mean, she actually came up to school with me when I had to go before the council to confront that grade-A arsehole (aka the motorcycle-driving jock). And she volunteered immediately, no questions asked. I try to keep that in mind when I don't feel like talking to anyone at all and I get a call from her. Which is more and more nowadays.
Overtime randomness: I realize that I have a disgusting amount of self-hate pent up. It's colored all of my relationships and relations. I just hate myself so much. Honestly, even the things I feel I do well I find fault with. Almost everything I've engaged in in the past - from music to reading to work to school - all of it has been done in order to prevent introspection. If there's one thing I hate more than myself it's having to think back on what I've done and who I've become. Because I have a habit of focusing on the negative instead of the positive. The few events I can think back on that still evoke some sort of warm feelings in me occurred YEARS ago. So long ago that it seems like they all happened to someone else. And in a way they did, because I've really changed over the years. Slightly less trusting, more quiet, less willing to share (outside of an somewhat anonymous blog, of course). School's done that, and friends come and gone have done that, and that stupid accident did that. I just don't look at mankind the same way. And that's good and bad. Good for them, bad for me. Hells, even THIS, even the act of starting up my DSL connection and writing up a LJ entry, is a way of avoiding my feelings and thoughts. I get to pick and choose what gets placed on the screen, and I'm sharing but not sharing, since I'm basically faceless (thank you, PY199 paper).
Okay, I'm rambling. Per usual. Note to self - try to get more than 2 hours sleep. Time to call it a night.
Jo called me today and told me they found a lump in her breast. And I was freaked, but in a weird way. I mean, I hadn't spoken to her in maybe two weeks and I forgot she'd said she was coming up last weekend. What a craptacular friend, eh? So add the guilt of not having spoken to her in a while to the fear that she might have something seriously wrong with her...and, well, let's just say that my usual rush to get off the phone with her was absent. She claims the docs are 95% certain it's benign and she also claims she's doing fine, just inconvenienced because she's missed about a week of school. I believe her, if only because she's gone through just about as much if not more than I have, and she's just an amazingly strong, resilient individual. Or so she leads everyone to believe. She may be just like me, in that she feels obligated to put on a strong front, but is hurting inside. Either way, I still feel so grateful to have her in my life. I mean, she actually came up to school with me when I had to go before the council to confront that grade-A arsehole (aka the motorcycle-driving jock). And she volunteered immediately, no questions asked. I try to keep that in mind when I don't feel like talking to anyone at all and I get a call from her. Which is more and more nowadays.
Overtime randomness: I realize that I have a disgusting amount of self-hate pent up. It's colored all of my relationships and relations. I just hate myself so much. Honestly, even the things I feel I do well I find fault with. Almost everything I've engaged in in the past - from music to reading to work to school - all of it has been done in order to prevent introspection. If there's one thing I hate more than myself it's having to think back on what I've done and who I've become. Because I have a habit of focusing on the negative instead of the positive. The few events I can think back on that still evoke some sort of warm feelings in me occurred YEARS ago. So long ago that it seems like they all happened to someone else. And in a way they did, because I've really changed over the years. Slightly less trusting, more quiet, less willing to share (outside of an somewhat anonymous blog, of course). School's done that, and friends come and gone have done that, and that stupid accident did that. I just don't look at mankind the same way. And that's good and bad. Good for them, bad for me. Hells, even THIS, even the act of starting up my DSL connection and writing up a LJ entry, is a way of avoiding my feelings and thoughts. I get to pick and choose what gets placed on the screen, and I'm sharing but not sharing, since I'm basically faceless (thank you, PY199 paper).
Okay, I'm rambling. Per usual. Note to self - try to get more than 2 hours sleep. Time to call it a night.
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no subject
Date: 2003-10-10 12:22 pm (UTC)Perhaps
Date: 2003-10-11 05:09 pm (UTC)Self-hate...
Date: 2003-10-13 06:27 am (UTC)Don't know if it will help you. I don't know why you hate yourself.
But if it means anything to you, I love reading your entries. They make me snicker and laugh in a very happy way. Because I can appreciate everything you say.
And don't believe for a minute that you are avoiding introspection -- the subconscious is not so easily muted. Your journal entries are heavily introspective.
By the way -- the American Gods entry above this one made me howl with laughter -- I love it when you do the strikeout edit entries....
Everyone has their way....
no subject
Date: 2003-10-14 11:48 am (UTC)You mentioned in a previous entry that you liked the Dark Tower series- I read AGs first (several times) and just recently read the Gunslinger, and I felt that maybe Gaiman took a bit of the Gunslinger's character and put it into Shadow. There's even a bit of stylistic resemblance.. but I could be completely off on this one.
Anyway, I liked it a bunch.
It's on my "To Do" List
Date: 2003-10-14 08:17 pm (UTC)You said you read The Gunslinger recently. Which version? The original? or King's re-tooled one? The one with the nice pictures scattered within?
And, oh yeah, hi, total stranger.
Re: It's on my "To Do" List
Date: 2003-10-14 10:10 pm (UTC)I expect it's the new one- there are some pretty kickass pictures in there.
I also think it should have a soundtrack.
The first paragraph should be set to 'When the Levee Breaks' by Zeppelin.
But anyway.
Re: It's on my "To Do" List
Date: 2003-10-15 08:08 am (UTC)Assuming the name of the town he obliterates is Tull. I keep thinking "Jethro Tull".
But anyway. Good times.