All about my mother; clearing my head.
Jun. 1st, 2004 12:51 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
fredericksLet me take stock of my life: I'm 24 in twelve days, I went to a fairly prestigious high school, then to a fairly prestigious college, and now I work in retail. My home life consists of listening to my mother bitch about the fact that I work in retail, listening to my father rail about anything and everything while doing nothing, and me wishing for the day I can get out of here. My social life consists of being tolerated by an embarrassing small circle of people, almost none of which I feel I can open up to. And fuck the platitudes and the health comments. And the "you're doing better than X, who's a quadriplegic". I am so goddamned tired of hearing that shit it isn't even funny. I'm not a leper or a quadriplegic, but that doesn't change the fact that my right now is awful. Amazingly awful.
A couple of weeks ago my mother, while doing the previously mentioned bitching to me (the usual shouting, complaining, "why didn't you"s) she basically told me to "make a change by September" or else. The "or else" I figured to be a threat to kick me out of the house. Because there's nothing else she can do to me at this point. I don't ask the parental units for any money, nor do I even ask them for compensation when I purchase something for them. So she can't hold that over my head. The "threat" itself is ridiculous: one, we have enough family around that I could just move in with someone, and two, I don't want to be here. She's made it so that living in the house I've grown up in has become toxic for me. When discussing this all with an aunt of mine I mentioned who I had in mind to move in with, the aunt whose husband recently passed away and whose children would soon be moving out of the house and into college. She then told me that said aunt had inquired to her about me possibly moving in. Eureka! Problem solved. The only thing that worried me was my mother's reaction. You see, even though I'd heard her little September speech, I still didn't really think she meant to kick me out. Because, honestly, what would that prove? Was that meant to punish me? because she hasn't exactly gone out of her way to make me feel welcome since I've come back from school. Or was it meant to help me? How is telling me to leave supposed to get me started on whatever the hell she wants to get me started on (my life, maybe)? especially since she must know I'd just move in with another family member? Things don't add up.
It wasn't until I was talking to my confidant aunt tonight that things really hit home. I'd just returned from great-grandmother/housesitting and my aunt (as she promised) told me how broaching the subject of me moving in with my other aunt to my mother went. Apparently my mother was all "oh, well that's nice, because she has to be out of here by September". In a not-pleasant way. So she was serious. And here I was worried that she'd be upset that I wanted to move in with Auntie A. Foolish me.
Having analyzed the situation so far, all I can think of is that my mother is embarrassed of me. My living in her house, wearing the same clothes to work (dress code) every day, my lack of complaining vocally about how shitty my job is, it sickens her. She wants to be able to tell her pals that the daughter who was the only person from her grade to get into a specialized high school and then went on to an Ivy-League college is now in graduate school/medical school/law school. The whole Radioshack thing doesn't fit into her equation. That's all I've come up with, that she just wants to be able to go on with her day without seeing me and being reminded what a colossal failure I've turned out to be. I've explained my nursing school plan to her, and she doesn't accept it. I don't know what she wants me to do, whether she wants me to work or go back to school, and every time I try to broach the topic she berates me about what I didn't do in the past. She doesn't support me with what I'm doing now, and she doesn't make me feel like any actions I'm taking are of any significance. Any little milestones I achieve, that give me a little bit of warmth (health insurance! yay! vacation time! yay! a position of more importance! yay!) she belittles. There's no fucking winning with her, and just being around her saps my energy. There's so much tip-toeing around subjects that I think will start her off.
And, to be completely honest, that's how it is with most other members of my social support system. So I walk around feeling like shit and they walk around making me feel like shit...no winning. There's just nothing.
How hard is it for people to put their pride aside and just, you know, come with the love and support? Hells, it's never unconditional, but at least try to show you care. None of them have tried looking for a job lately. They think "oh, you went to Brown, you should have no problem finding a job". Yeah, take a look around. That guy serving you your Frappuccino? He probably went to Yale. It's tough out there. But you wouldn't know. The person you work with regaled you with the tale of their daughter's $70G position, and, heck, they only went to City College. Surely the Brown grad can find the same.
Stick it up your ass. And *you* try walking up and down to hospitals, handing out your resume and not hearing back. Or trolling online posting and posting and hearing nothing. Then come back to me with an assessment. "If you really tried looking for a job you'd find one" my fucking ass.
In conclusion: fuck this house, fuck this family, and fuck ... just fuck.
A couple of weeks ago my mother, while doing the previously mentioned bitching to me (the usual shouting, complaining, "why didn't you"s) she basically told me to "make a change by September" or else. The "or else" I figured to be a threat to kick me out of the house. Because there's nothing else she can do to me at this point. I don't ask the parental units for any money, nor do I even ask them for compensation when I purchase something for them. So she can't hold that over my head. The "threat" itself is ridiculous: one, we have enough family around that I could just move in with someone, and two, I don't want to be here. She's made it so that living in the house I've grown up in has become toxic for me. When discussing this all with an aunt of mine I mentioned who I had in mind to move in with, the aunt whose husband recently passed away and whose children would soon be moving out of the house and into college. She then told me that said aunt had inquired to her about me possibly moving in. Eureka! Problem solved. The only thing that worried me was my mother's reaction. You see, even though I'd heard her little September speech, I still didn't really think she meant to kick me out. Because, honestly, what would that prove? Was that meant to punish me? because she hasn't exactly gone out of her way to make me feel welcome since I've come back from school. Or was it meant to help me? How is telling me to leave supposed to get me started on whatever the hell she wants to get me started on (my life, maybe)? especially since she must know I'd just move in with another family member? Things don't add up.
It wasn't until I was talking to my confidant aunt tonight that things really hit home. I'd just returned from great-grandmother/housesitting and my aunt (as she promised) told me how broaching the subject of me moving in with my other aunt to my mother went. Apparently my mother was all "oh, well that's nice, because she has to be out of here by September". In a not-pleasant way. So she was serious. And here I was worried that she'd be upset that I wanted to move in with Auntie A. Foolish me.
Having analyzed the situation so far, all I can think of is that my mother is embarrassed of me. My living in her house, wearing the same clothes to work (dress code) every day, my lack of complaining vocally about how shitty my job is, it sickens her. She wants to be able to tell her pals that the daughter who was the only person from her grade to get into a specialized high school and then went on to an Ivy-League college is now in graduate school/medical school/law school. The whole Radioshack thing doesn't fit into her equation. That's all I've come up with, that she just wants to be able to go on with her day without seeing me and being reminded what a colossal failure I've turned out to be. I've explained my nursing school plan to her, and she doesn't accept it. I don't know what she wants me to do, whether she wants me to work or go back to school, and every time I try to broach the topic she berates me about what I didn't do in the past. She doesn't support me with what I'm doing now, and she doesn't make me feel like any actions I'm taking are of any significance. Any little milestones I achieve, that give me a little bit of warmth (health insurance! yay! vacation time! yay! a position of more importance! yay!) she belittles. There's no fucking winning with her, and just being around her saps my energy. There's so much tip-toeing around subjects that I think will start her off.
And, to be completely honest, that's how it is with most other members of my social support system. So I walk around feeling like shit and they walk around making me feel like shit...no winning. There's just nothing.
How hard is it for people to put their pride aside and just, you know, come with the love and support? Hells, it's never unconditional, but at least try to show you care. None of them have tried looking for a job lately. They think "oh, you went to Brown, you should have no problem finding a job". Yeah, take a look around. That guy serving you your Frappuccino? He probably went to Yale. It's tough out there. But you wouldn't know. The person you work with regaled you with the tale of their daughter's $70G position, and, heck, they only went to City College. Surely the Brown grad can find the same.
Stick it up your ass. And *you* try walking up and down to hospitals, handing out your resume and not hearing back. Or trolling online posting and posting and hearing nothing. Then come back to me with an assessment. "If you really tried looking for a job you'd find one" my fucking ass.
In conclusion: fuck this house, fuck this family, and fuck ... just fuck.
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no subject
Date: 2004-05-31 10:57 pm (UTC)Heh
Date: 2004-06-01 02:13 pm (UTC)But then, throttlin' makes the time pass so fast...
I hear you.
Date: 2004-06-01 08:32 am (UTC)However, I did things differently than you have at this point. I fucked around for another four years after 24. I went in and out of Retail or Korea in alternating sessions of fucking myself. And in despair at 29 (as well as rather large amounts of debt), I fucked off to Japan. And one fine day (the anniversary of which is coming up in a week) life turned around.
Hope and suffering. They tend to go hand in hand. Can't have hope without suffering, can't suffer if you haven't any hope. That's the good sign.
I envy people with family who can support/understand them. Mine couldn't/didn't.
So May 11th, two days before the birth of my second son, I turned 34. And now, only now, I'm on a new path to a career I can pursue in Canada. Yup, I'm going back to school to become an elementary school teacher. Another year of my life getting into debt/spending my family's life savings. I'm resigned to the fact, that although some people (like my younger cousins) walk into their dream jobs, others (like myself/my brother) have to struggle to find satisfaction in work.
You're 24. Happy Birthday to you. Happiness and sunshine I wish to land in your path that day. Make a decision for this year and don't worry about the next decade after that so much, because it'll take care of itself -- painfully or not. I assure you.
I look forward to one day meeting you -- you'll fit just fine in my circle of friends, trust me.
no subject
Date: 2004-06-01 08:30 pm (UTC)I would suggest that the next time your mother bitches at you, tell her that you'd take her bitching seriously if she actually goes out and sees what trying to get a good job today is like. I mean, I've almost got a master's in chemistry from a top-rank school, and I can't even get a crappy minimum wage job. I'm even seriously considering doing sex work if I have to just to pay rent and the bills... There just aren't the positions available out there.
Your mother is embarrassed at you because you don't complain about your job? Jeez...I would think that she (or anyone else) would rather not hear you complaining about that. It's so tempting to just bitch and moan about things like that, and people (or at least I) get sick really fast of hearing people do that. You would think that you're doing her a favour by not doing it, since she doesn't seem to support you much in your situation.
no subject
Date: 2004-06-01 09:08 pm (UTC)You too?*grin*
Date: 2004-06-02 07:13 pm (UTC)I remember you mentioning working at the adult bookstore; is that what you're referring to here? or were you thinking of becoming a "lady of the street"? Because there's sex work, and then there's sex work. And, uhm, yeah. Not like I'm speaking from experience or anything.
A co-worker and I are seriously considering working in the phone sex lines. I think we have the pipes for it, and we're both desperate enough that it seems a valid option. They advertise the positions under "telephone acting". Let me see how far this idea goes.
And you weren't bitching at all in your reply, worry not. Your replies are always level-headed and welcome. I'm not necessarily sure that my mother is embarrassed of me, but I am fairly certain that she's upset that she can no longer brag about me and name-drop me to her friends. She hasn't worn her Brown shirt in forever. I think she's trying to live a lot of her dreams through me. Eh. I dunno.
yep, me too!
Date: 2004-06-02 10:07 pm (UTC)Even if I do get a lab job or something, I'd still consider doing this type of thing. I mean, extra cash is always nice, and it might allow me to be able to afford sex reassignment surgery earlier. Besides, I don't think that there's anything dishonourable about doing sex work...I can think of many things that I'd be more ashamed of doing for a living. I mean, I don't know if I've said this anywhere you've been able to see it, but I wish I could go back and do my college education differently so that I could get into a field in which I could help people directly. To me, it seems that sex work has a lot more potential to directly help people (provide needed human contact, things along those lines...) than working in a lab does. I think that it provides a needed service in this world, and shouldn't be criminalised.
Of course, I'm aware that it has its down sides, too, but I've thought about this a lot lately (all the free time that I have on my hands, you see...), and I figure that that isn't too much different from working at any other job. Diseases? I'd use condoms and other protective devices to lessen the risk, just as I would wear goggles and work behind the sash of a fume hood if I were working with anything dangerous in a laboratory. Legal penalties? Well, I guess that it's not illegal to work in a chem lab (unless it's a meth lab or something...), but I won't be walking the street, and I can (and have) made the disclaimer in my advertisements that money paid is for companionship only, and anything else that might happen is up to the decision of my clients and me. I've thought this through, and I think that it's a perfectly viable option for me to take.
no subject
Date: 2004-06-01 10:54 pm (UTC)Actually, I lied. I have one other tool at my disposal.
Poetry.
Yes, I shall now offer you some of my wondrous verse.
I call this poem "A Day Of Wine And Roses Upon A Dewey-Eyed Morn In Which Several Lithe And Winsome Maidens Did Croquet With Great Naughtiness A Comfy Afghan That I Later Wore As I Jumped Out Of A Flaming C-47 Over Normandy And Had Several Important Body Parts Blown Off And Was Sent Back Home On Medical Leave Only To Discover That My Baby Done Left Me And Walked Right Out That Do' With My Money And My Dawg And My American Express Traveller's Cheques And My Commemorative Franklin Mint 'Friends' Finale Chess Set That I Won In A Shriner's Raffle After I Killed A Dog That Was Digging Through My Garbage And Eating My Melon Rinds."
A girl who once went to Brown,
was feeling decidedly down.
Her mom was a bitch,
Her dad made her twitch,
And we will all be dead someday.
I'm still polishing it.
How come...
Date: 2004-06-02 07:18 pm (UTC)Continue with the work on this one. It's a winner. *grin*
And you're great, per usual.