The past is past
Sep. 26th, 2004 12:08 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
fredericksI'm going to try my darndest to put together a semi-coherent entry. My thoughts have been odd as of late.
My former neighbor came by today. I've seen him maybe three times since last August. I forget. It was weird. It's been weird for a while. For me, anyway. See, I spent a large part of my childhood and teen years being the object of his affections. Childhood to early teen years, I think. I can't remember much about the nature of my relationship during the last part of HS. It was cute, in retrospect. I mean, I made it clear to him that I didn't like him that way (at least I think I did) but he'd still do nice things like buy me the occasional box of candies for Valentine's Day. Heh. There was one Valentine's when he came by and it was snowing lightly outside. Very romantic, and I've been a romantic since as long as I could remember (or maybe the word "dreamer" is better in this case...but I'm getting off-track). He rings the doorbell with a rose in his hand and an anxious look on his face. The snow's falling and I'm thinking to myself "this moment, in this moment I could say or do anything". And what did I chose to say? "I'd go out with you...if you lost some weight". Then I kissed him quickly and ran to the back. See? I'm all heart.
All this happened, remember, when I was younger. *Much* younger, it feels like. I wasn't quite so jaded and bitter back then, I assure you. But I even then I was grappling with issues regarding weight and acceptance from others. And, yeah, my neighbor wasn't really my cup of tea. He wasn't as smart as I was, for one. And he was really really goofy. And his pants had a habit of falling down when we were on class field days (he was a grade below me). So, no. Not so endearing on that end. He didn't (and doesn't) do it for me. But we always had a blast together. He was always good for comic and video game talk. I remember his mother taking us to a few comic and gaming conventions during her time on earth. And he's always had a raucous sense of humor. I can remember clearly him, my brother, and myself shooting the shit on everything and anything late into the night.
No neighbor loving. I spent my youth mainly pining after people that wouldn't give me the time of day (the whole "it's easier to like someone who'll never ever in a million years look your way rather than be rejected than by someone who'll give you two seconds" mentality). But yeah, I seemed to have gotten a kick out of his crush on me that I never admitted to myself. Which would explain, in part, why I felt a little empty? put-out? when he came around with his girlfriend ("girlfriend? he has a girlfriend??!?!" I found myself thinking at the time) a couple of years ago. She was pretty and spanish, and I was ugly and...not spanish. That's when the awkwardness that'd been creeping up between us came to a head. We hadn't spoken in some time. It was...weird is the only way I can describe it. He stopped coming over as frequently; not sure why, not because of me, I'm sure. He'd moved in with his aunt near the LI border by that time.
So fast-forward to tonight. He came by for I don't what reason. On hearing him downstairs I'd planned on staying in my room until he left, but then I found out that he was going out to dinner with us. Ouch. I was happy, at that moment, that I'd gotten around to getting my hair done so that it was half-way decent. Odd. Well, not so odd. Human nature, I suppose.
Dinner started out weird (it's a running theme for this entry). I tried to arrange things so we sat on opposite sides and ends of the table. Mom nearly spoiled it (inadvertently, I'm sure) by asking him if he wanted to sit at the spot across from me. He said no, and I exhaled. But he broke the ice after a bit, asking me what I was up to. I told him school, yadda yadda yadda plans and such. I asked him what he was up to, he told me school work yadda yadda yadda. The girlfriend I was curious about, but I couldn't find a way to mention her without some bit of obviousness on my part. It was sort of like old times, with the joke cracking. Heck, we all even reminisced a bit about trips we took together. Fun.
No, I'm not looking for any sort of relationship with my former neighbor (I'm happy right now, thankeweberrymuch). I'm very glad he's happy; he's had one fucked up life up 'til recently, and he deserves good vibes and times. I just find my reaction to him curious. I don't like him, but yet I'm tiffed that he doesn't like me. Heh. People are strange.
My former neighbor came by today. I've seen him maybe three times since last August. I forget. It was weird. It's been weird for a while. For me, anyway. See, I spent a large part of my childhood and teen years being the object of his affections. Childhood to early teen years, I think. I can't remember much about the nature of my relationship during the last part of HS. It was cute, in retrospect. I mean, I made it clear to him that I didn't like him that way (at least I think I did) but he'd still do nice things like buy me the occasional box of candies for Valentine's Day. Heh. There was one Valentine's when he came by and it was snowing lightly outside. Very romantic, and I've been a romantic since as long as I could remember (or maybe the word "dreamer" is better in this case...but I'm getting off-track). He rings the doorbell with a rose in his hand and an anxious look on his face. The snow's falling and I'm thinking to myself "this moment, in this moment I could say or do anything". And what did I chose to say? "I'd go out with you...if you lost some weight". Then I kissed him quickly and ran to the back. See? I'm all heart.
All this happened, remember, when I was younger. *Much* younger, it feels like. I wasn't quite so jaded and bitter back then, I assure you. But I even then I was grappling with issues regarding weight and acceptance from others. And, yeah, my neighbor wasn't really my cup of tea. He wasn't as smart as I was, for one. And he was really really goofy. And his pants had a habit of falling down when we were on class field days (he was a grade below me). So, no. Not so endearing on that end. He didn't (and doesn't) do it for me. But we always had a blast together. He was always good for comic and video game talk. I remember his mother taking us to a few comic and gaming conventions during her time on earth. And he's always had a raucous sense of humor. I can remember clearly him, my brother, and myself shooting the shit on everything and anything late into the night.
No neighbor loving. I spent my youth mainly pining after people that wouldn't give me the time of day (the whole "it's easier to like someone who'll never ever in a million years look your way rather than be rejected than by someone who'll give you two seconds" mentality). But yeah, I seemed to have gotten a kick out of his crush on me that I never admitted to myself. Which would explain, in part, why I felt a little empty? put-out? when he came around with his girlfriend ("girlfriend? he has a girlfriend??!?!" I found myself thinking at the time) a couple of years ago. She was pretty and spanish, and I was ugly and...not spanish. That's when the awkwardness that'd been creeping up between us came to a head. We hadn't spoken in some time. It was...weird is the only way I can describe it. He stopped coming over as frequently; not sure why, not because of me, I'm sure. He'd moved in with his aunt near the LI border by that time.
So fast-forward to tonight. He came by for I don't what reason. On hearing him downstairs I'd planned on staying in my room until he left, but then I found out that he was going out to dinner with us. Ouch. I was happy, at that moment, that I'd gotten around to getting my hair done so that it was half-way decent. Odd. Well, not so odd. Human nature, I suppose.
Dinner started out weird (it's a running theme for this entry). I tried to arrange things so we sat on opposite sides and ends of the table. Mom nearly spoiled it (inadvertently, I'm sure) by asking him if he wanted to sit at the spot across from me. He said no, and I exhaled. But he broke the ice after a bit, asking me what I was up to. I told him school, yadda yadda yadda plans and such. I asked him what he was up to, he told me school work yadda yadda yadda. The girlfriend I was curious about, but I couldn't find a way to mention her without some bit of obviousness on my part. It was sort of like old times, with the joke cracking. Heck, we all even reminisced a bit about trips we took together. Fun.
No, I'm not looking for any sort of relationship with my former neighbor (I'm happy right now, thankeweberrymuch). I'm very glad he's happy; he's had one fucked up life up 'til recently, and he deserves good vibes and times. I just find my reaction to him curious. I don't like him, but yet I'm tiffed that he doesn't like me. Heh. People are strange.
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no subject
Date: 2004-09-26 08:28 am (UTC)About 4 years ago I met someone. She was very forward and flirty and after a little bit of time she came right out and told me what she wanted. She was sweet and intelligent but I just wasn't attracted to her in that way, not to mention it wasn't too far after my fiance had left me and I wasn't over that and wasn't looking to be with anyone. I was honest with her and she wanted to still be friends, which was cool.
Well, about 2 months later a friend of hers set her up on a date. She really liked this guy and started spending more time with him and less time with me. I was surprised when I found myself having feelings of jealousy. No I still didn't want to date her but I didn't like her with this other guy either. Eventually we stopped talking all together. And I was a little bummed. But I realized later that I'd rather her be happy with someone else than sad hoping that I might change my mind.
With me it has always been just the feeling that someone was interested in me that was intoxicating. It felt really good knowing that someone, anyone, wanted to be with me. LOL, it's a feeling I wouldn't mind right now as a matter of fact.
On a second note I must again comment on your awesome LJ icon collection. Vivi. *cheers* IMO best FF character of all time.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-26 10:54 am (UTC)Heh. Makes very much sense, big-big *grin*. And your story? Oh, we're life experience twins! But then the reason behind me both enjoying that and being stuck in ruts where I'm interested in people that aren't interested in me? Karmic payback? My fucked up socialization skills nipping me in the arse?
I kicked someone's dog and they cast a spell on me. Yes. That's it.
Thanks for the icon love. I've always had a thing for black mages, and ones that looked curiously like Orco from He-Man were always at the top of the heap for me. His story made me fake getting dust in my eyes on a number of occasions.
How's "Otherland" coming along, btw?
no subject
Date: 2004-09-26 11:39 am (UTC)...the reason behind me both enjoying that and being stuck in ruts where I'm interested in people that aren't interested in? Karmic payback?
I'm convinced that my poor choices in women, string of horrible relationships and repeated heartbreaks are karmic payback from the way I treated the very first girl that was interested in me. I won't get into that story here but I still feel guilty about it and realize now that she was EXACTLY the kind of girl I want to be with.
I love black mages too. I think they need to make a FF game with the black mage as the main hero/heroine and get away from all the thieves or fighters.
Otherland is coming along great. I'm almost halfway through Volume 2. Orlando and Fredericks are still my favorite characters and Renie is still probably my least. Paul Jonas has become a lot more interesting now that his memory is back and its not always fading on him. I like the "War of the Worlds" sim he's in now because I loved that story as a kid. And I'm very curious about what Osiris's interest in him is. In fact Osiris/Felix Jongleur is already a great villain and I like him alot, along with Dread. And speaking of Dread I'm trying to figure out which of the group's sims he's occupying. I thought at first Martine but I don't think so anymore. I'm reading about 2 chapters a day if I have time. Can't wait to see how it turns out. I noticed you said you had finished Dark Tower. I wanted to ask you about it but didn't cause I'm going to ready the last two books after this series. Hehehe. Regardless I hope you enjoyed it.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-26 07:32 pm (UTC)Heh. The thing is, when thieves and/or fighters get all broody and FF-stereotypically hero-like, they just get stabby. When black mages get all broody, they get all cataclysmic on people's asses. Less "stab" more "Fire 3" or "Mount Vesuvius Summon". The day FF breaks out a main character that's a black mage *female* (and don't pull a Leguna "is it or isn't it?" dealie) I'll have to start looking for more signs, because it'll be obvious that Armageddon is a'comin'.
And let's not even bring up that blight on humanity called Final Fantasy X:2. Once it started with Yuna singing a damned pop song I was ready to chuck it out the window.
I'm glad you're enjoying Otherland. My favorite characters were also Orlando and Fredericks. Their friendship was easy for me to empathize with because I found myself in one similar to that for a good long while. Fredericks really does remind me of myself. A secondary character quite willing to be secondary (stand by her friend). Suits me. If I was to think of a least favorite character I'd be sort of hard-pressed. But Renie does spring to mind. It's honestly hard to see her in the Aragon-like light that Williams seems to want to paint for her. Oh, not that she's all swashbuckling, but that she's a leader and such. Something about her just irks me on the occasion. I can't see how people would necessarily like her all the time enough to follow her. I'm being all nitpicky and vague, I know.
Jongleur is certainly a piece of work. And Dread seems to be a fan fave. Heh.