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We were supposed to take Krishna to put her to sleep today. Again. Please note the tense used in the first sentence.
I spent most of yesterday not thinking about "the deed". I mean, a good number of my family knew what we were planning on doing either because I told them directly or it reached them via the grapevine, but no one called to talk about it. I guess that was a good thing. The plan was for us to take her down to the clinic in the morning, but it wasn't an appointment that we had to make or break; when I called them on Friday they informed me I could come down any time during the day. The morning was convenient because my brother had to work in the afternoon and I wanted time after everything was said and done to attend church. Just sitting in St. Barts tends to comfort me.
Yeah, it didn't work out like we planned. Things started crumbling right as I was getting ready to take her outside. When I picked up her harness and the leash she perked right up and started hopping around, frantic tail wagging and all. It was her usual response when she figures she's going for a walk. Her regular response. The only reason I planned to take her to the vet today was because I thought she was deteriorating rapidly, and now she was all chipper? I held the devices in my hand as my brother and I shared a look. Right then we both knew we weren't going to take her, but I'd already told people we were going to put her to sleep and my folks had already said their goodbyes, the tumor wasn't getting any smaller...AND I'd already plasticked my brother's back seat in anticipation of the transport (pee retardant). We debated between ourselves for a little bit before my father came through and said we should take her in. "She's suffering, and she's not going to get better". Yes, but...look at her tail!! She's jumping around like a fool! Still, we knew he was talking sense, so we took her outside and get her into the car. Which just wasn't happening. We were forced to use my brother's old Ford instead of the family van, and it proved impossible to get Krishna into the backseat. Maybe the step up was too high for her and her bum leg, maybe she just didn't want to get Kevorkian'd. Either way, after ten minutes of trying to pull her into the car we gave up. I realize now if we really wanted to take her to the vet we could have just *lifted* her into the car. Normally she hates being lifted and would be quick to struggle and snap at us , but as she can't open her mouth much we'd have had little problem. Hmm.
I fully intend to take Krishna to vet before she becomes totally incapacitated, but...the tail! I couldn't. We couldn't. *sigh*
After I had a chance to recover from that I decided to distract myself by hunting down a copy of Gaiman's "Marvel 1602". I'd seen this work on display in the library but I didn't give it a chance because the concept seemed "real corny", as the kids would say (ten years ago). Of course, I didn't know that Gaiman had a hand in it (I'm such the Gaiman groupie). When he mentioned in it in journal I knew I had to at least *try* to read it, but it was MIA everywhere and everytime I looked. I ended up trekking down to the Flushing branch today once I saw someone returned a copy yesterday. So very lucky that it was there when I walked up to the rack. I picked up three other GNs, "Fortune and Glory" by Brian Michael Bendis, one of the Strangers in Paradise books by Terry Moore (I've tried SiP in the past but just couldn't get into it, figure I'll give it another shot) , and a new highlight for me, "Murder Mysteries", a graphic novelization by the amazing P. Craig Russell of a work by one Neil Gaiman (see? groupie!). I've liked Russell's illustration style since seeing his stuff in Sandman, and it's amazing here. The story itself is short but works on a number of levels; I found myself re-reading it immediately upon completion and pondering the way it tied into the Sandman Universe and the take on God. It's interesting how works that some may label as sacrilegious can lead to a strengthening of faith in others.
Went to the 7PM "Come as you are" service at St. Barts with my aunt. It's not my thing, really. I must prefer waking up early and taking the subway out to the church in the morning, reading my books during the relatively quiet rides. There's also entirely too much member singing involved in the evening service. I much prefer the classical music and choral/instrumental involvement of the 11 o'clock. For me, the formality and passivity lends itself to personal meditation. Other than that gripe, it wasn't too bad. Lots of the parishioners sound like professional singers, something that puts me in my place. And the guy who led the songs sounded eerily like Michael Crawford circa "Phantom of the Opera". Driving back was nice, what with the full moon and clear skies.
So, this weekend - little studying/work done. I have a huge validation on Wednesday, a paper due AND an exam scheduled for Thursday. Le. Joy. The holes I dig for myself.
I spent most of yesterday not thinking about "the deed". I mean, a good number of my family knew what we were planning on doing either because I told them directly or it reached them via the grapevine, but no one called to talk about it. I guess that was a good thing. The plan was for us to take her down to the clinic in the morning, but it wasn't an appointment that we had to make or break; when I called them on Friday they informed me I could come down any time during the day. The morning was convenient because my brother had to work in the afternoon and I wanted time after everything was said and done to attend church. Just sitting in St. Barts tends to comfort me.
Yeah, it didn't work out like we planned. Things started crumbling right as I was getting ready to take her outside. When I picked up her harness and the leash she perked right up and started hopping around, frantic tail wagging and all. It was her usual response when she figures she's going for a walk. Her regular response. The only reason I planned to take her to the vet today was because I thought she was deteriorating rapidly, and now she was all chipper? I held the devices in my hand as my brother and I shared a look. Right then we both knew we weren't going to take her, but I'd already told people we were going to put her to sleep and my folks had already said their goodbyes, the tumor wasn't getting any smaller...AND I'd already plasticked my brother's back seat in anticipation of the transport (pee retardant). We debated between ourselves for a little bit before my father came through and said we should take her in. "She's suffering, and she's not going to get better". Yes, but...look at her tail!! She's jumping around like a fool! Still, we knew he was talking sense, so we took her outside and get her into the car. Which just wasn't happening. We were forced to use my brother's old Ford instead of the family van, and it proved impossible to get Krishna into the backseat. Maybe the step up was too high for her and her bum leg, maybe she just didn't want to get Kevorkian'd. Either way, after ten minutes of trying to pull her into the car we gave up. I realize now if we really wanted to take her to the vet we could have just *lifted* her into the car. Normally she hates being lifted and would be quick to struggle and snap at us , but as she can't open her mouth much we'd have had little problem. Hmm.
I fully intend to take Krishna to vet before she becomes totally incapacitated, but...the tail! I couldn't. We couldn't. *sigh*
After I had a chance to recover from that I decided to distract myself by hunting down a copy of Gaiman's "Marvel 1602". I'd seen this work on display in the library but I didn't give it a chance because the concept seemed "real corny", as the kids would say (ten years ago). Of course, I didn't know that Gaiman had a hand in it (I'm such the Gaiman groupie). When he mentioned in it in journal I knew I had to at least *try* to read it, but it was MIA everywhere and everytime I looked. I ended up trekking down to the Flushing branch today once I saw someone returned a copy yesterday. So very lucky that it was there when I walked up to the rack. I picked up three other GNs, "Fortune and Glory" by Brian Michael Bendis, one of the Strangers in Paradise books by Terry Moore (I've tried SiP in the past but just couldn't get into it, figure I'll give it another shot) , and a new highlight for me, "Murder Mysteries", a graphic novelization by the amazing P. Craig Russell of a work by one Neil Gaiman (see? groupie!). I've liked Russell's illustration style since seeing his stuff in Sandman, and it's amazing here. The story itself is short but works on a number of levels; I found myself re-reading it immediately upon completion and pondering the way it tied into the Sandman Universe and the take on God. It's interesting how works that some may label as sacrilegious can lead to a strengthening of faith in others.
Went to the 7PM "Come as you are" service at St. Barts with my aunt. It's not my thing, really. I must prefer waking up early and taking the subway out to the church in the morning, reading my books during the relatively quiet rides. There's also entirely too much member singing involved in the evening service. I much prefer the classical music and choral/instrumental involvement of the 11 o'clock. For me, the formality and passivity lends itself to personal meditation. Other than that gripe, it wasn't too bad. Lots of the parishioners sound like professional singers, something that puts me in my place. And the guy who led the songs sounded eerily like Michael Crawford circa "Phantom of the Opera". Driving back was nice, what with the full moon and clear skies.
So, this weekend - little studying/work done. I have a huge validation on Wednesday, a paper due AND an exam scheduled for Thursday. Le. Joy. The holes I dig for myself.
